After dinner in the NSBB house we like to lie about naked in front of a crackling warm fire,
toast a few marshmallows, laugh at Morgan's bonsai todger, share a cup or two of Horlicks and ask riddles.
This was the riddle that had us all rolling around cacking ourselves last night.
Q. What keeps Not So Big Brother so regular?
A.
Saturday, August 17, 2002
"A great way to save money: don't tip in restaurants. Then pretend you're French.
That way you're not only saving money, you're performing a good deed -- namely, reinforcing bad stereotypes about the French."
Saw that somewhere on the Net and thought, in the future I'll be booking into restaurants under the name Pierre Sedgwick. Problem is what self respecting restaurant would let a Frog into their establishment. Groucho Marx view on clubs. Quandary, quandary.
Saw that somewhere on the Net and thought, in the future I'll be booking into restaurants under the name Pierre Sedgwick. Problem is what self respecting restaurant would let a Frog into their establishment. Groucho Marx view on clubs. Quandary, quandary.
I thought I should pass on this incisive article by one of my many antipodean proteges.
Surely I don’t need to explain that the impact of an extinction event can be devastating to humans. With one death there is immediately less variety in our diets.
So don’t delay. If you are aware of a species on the verge of being unavailable to diners get your eating irons out as quick as you can and get on the tooth before someone beats you to it.
There is absolutely no doubt that species on the edge of oblivion taste better than common farm rubbish. Just knowing you are the last man alive to savour the delights of a lightly fricasseed pig-footed bandicoot makes it all the more special.
Various environazis, dogged in their pursuit of a smack across the head, have muddied the water on this issue. Anyone who says it is wrong to kill a Lesser Bilby has never tried one. They’re even free range.
The secret of cooking your endangered wildlife is to get the wife to get your pan extremely hot before dropping in, say, your Javanese Lapwing or western quoll. This keeps the flesh succulent and sweet.
I’ve pointed out that television isn’t shy about scheduling cooking programs. I’ve decided to get in on the act. Check your local guides for my upcoming series; the ‘Slamming Sam Last Chance Barbeque’.
You know it makes sense.
I’m Sam Kekovich.
Who is Sam?
Slamming Sam Kekovich was the hard man of Australian Rules Football back when men were men and so were some of the women tennis players. Nothing moved on the North Melbourne half-back flank without his written permission. He attributes his financial success, his prodigious international reputation and the winning of the 1997 Nobel Peace Prize to his mentor and personal manager Terry Sedgwick.
Source.
Endangered species
The world is facing an on-going environmental disaster. Did you know, for example, that an entire species dies out every 14 minutes. Gone. And once an animal becomes extinct it is gone for good.Surely I don’t need to explain that the impact of an extinction event can be devastating to humans. With one death there is immediately less variety in our diets.
So don’t delay. If you are aware of a species on the verge of being unavailable to diners get your eating irons out as quick as you can and get on the tooth before someone beats you to it.
There is absolutely no doubt that species on the edge of oblivion taste better than common farm rubbish. Just knowing you are the last man alive to savour the delights of a lightly fricasseed pig-footed bandicoot makes it all the more special.
Various environazis, dogged in their pursuit of a smack across the head, have muddied the water on this issue. Anyone who says it is wrong to kill a Lesser Bilby has never tried one. They’re even free range.
The secret of cooking your endangered wildlife is to get the wife to get your pan extremely hot before dropping in, say, your Javanese Lapwing or western quoll. This keeps the flesh succulent and sweet.
I’ve pointed out that television isn’t shy about scheduling cooking programs. I’ve decided to get in on the act. Check your local guides for my upcoming series; the ‘Slamming Sam Last Chance Barbeque’.
You know it makes sense.
I’m Sam Kekovich.
Who is Sam?
Slamming Sam Kekovich was the hard man of Australian Rules Football back when men were men and so were some of the women tennis players. Nothing moved on the North Melbourne half-back flank without his written permission. He attributes his financial success, his prodigious international reputation and the winning of the 1997 Nobel Peace Prize to his mentor and personal manager Terry Sedgwick.
Source.
Friday, August 16, 2002
I don't want to seem like I'm complaining or that I am intolerant of the life style some people choose, but Coffee's antics are becoming an embarrassment to us all. This is the third dress he has stolen from me.
And Morgan wants his cuffs back (he, Christine and Cathy have something going that I don't quite understand).
Tonight it is my turn tonight to cook for my fellow incarcerees. I think I have come up with something to titillate the most jaded of palates.
(Made from 100% Jade.)
FYI. This posting begins Archive 17.
Well, Big Brother, Sir...I'm not sure what that comment about the big stick means. But if you review some of the previously posted pictures, you'll notice that I am already incredibly well equipped. If the stick refers to an instrument to beat other people to death with, well then I may very well be interested. But I'm trying to keep a happy face, here, Big Brother. I feel that showing the true disgust and rage that I now harbor for everyone else in this house would reflect badly on me. The voters might guess that I may possibly feel that I am ready to strike out and begin killing each and every other contestant when they aren't expecting it. And that's not very good sportsmanship, is it? No, I must remain calm and cool. There's nothing here that is driving me mad. There's people all over the place that smell just like Sedgwick. Morgan dreams that he's a goat and wakes up begging for Cathy to milk him. We all just love hearing about Cooper's interesting gun collection 60 minutes an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No, there's nothing here that's driving me mad. My fingers are children and they sing to me. I have three noses. Nobody named Paul ever reached in the shower and touched me while I had shampoo in my eyes. Death will be peace. Not-S-Big-Brother Response: Kevin, just remember that, whilst killing the other contestants might not appear very sporting, it would be doing the environment a favour, would be helping the ozone layer and would, most likely, aid the viewing figures no end. Mass slaughter within the house gets the big thumbs up from Not-So-Big-Brother as indeed many of the other housemates have received the big thumbs up off Morgan recently.
Hello Paul! Everyone seems to have gone very quiet in the house recently. Not-So-Big-Brother would like to offer you psychological counselling and/or food if you would like some. Or would you all prefer a big stick?
Meekly fulfilling the requirements .... Thanks, Okay and Yes. Not-So-Big-Brother Response: Tough on all three accounts Paul...however, at least you've saved your lily-white Welsh arse being booted off the board next week.
That's better! Now where are the rest of you? And has anybody seen Dave MacLachlan on their travels? At this rate I'll have no-one to boot out this Sunday. Does anyone know if he's already snook off via the roof? There'll be a whapping in the house if I find out somebody's done 'im in like they did with Joe!
In the meantime, click on the picture above to read the second half of the absolutely smashing crossover between Scrag Ends and the Inquiring Minds by John Steventon.
Thank you. Now it's time for Robot Wars. Not-So-Big-Brother
CATHY SMITH IS CALLED TO THE NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER DIARY ROOM!
Hello Cathy. Not-So-Big-Brother has noticed a lot of sexual tension flying around the house since you arrived. Is there any truth in the rumours circulating about you, Sedgwick and Morgan, three bananas and a pair of incontinence pants?
Hi Not So Big Brother,
Firstly I would lke to say that the rumours about me are not true. The shocking truth can now be revealed. It would appear that Kevin and Terry have been plying Christine with a selection of personalised chocolates in an attempt to gain favour with this sexual leviathon. Kevins chocolates have been described as fondant surprise. What the surprise is I dread to think. Terry however has added an illegal sexual enhancer called Wombat Hydroxabuterate, to his chocolates in his attempt to take Christine on to the next level. Unknown to the other house mates, Paul has been stealing Terrys chocolates and as I speak is preparing to re enact his own version of the Houston 500. All his attention seems to be centered on a very naieve and frightened Larry. Peter has had some medical training but may not be good enough to perform the delicate surgery required to repair Larrys torn muscles. As darkness falls on the house I can only pray that there is no sand in the Vaseline...... Not-So-Big-Brother response: Thank you Cathy. I know the name of a good lawyer. Please contact me at the usual address if you'd care to share this information with me.
Click on thumbnail.
Thursday, August 15, 2002
Hello Larry Miller mon Trois! Everyone seems to have gone very quiet in the house recently. Not-So-Big-Brother would like to offer you psychological counselling and/or food if you would like some. Or would you all prefer a big stick?
Wait a minute... THAT'S THE STOOL! Not-So-Big-Brother Responds: Thank you Larry. There have been walnuts and raisons provided in the Not-So-Big-Brother kitchen for you. You'll find them in the bowl next to the wombat cage. Please be careful to remove any stray bits of straw and crust before eating. In the meantime, thanks also for your redition of Life-In-The-Not-So-Big-Brother-House...and your illustration of the party held for the dismissal of Peter Delgado (Joe King still being alive and well at this point)...thus:
Re: Dangle, dangle. With whom I have had the misfortune etc. Sedgers...you're quite correct. Joseph Peteyoninonioniniyene(somebody stop me) has been the most consistant (and persistant) visitor to these hallowed halls. My only regret is that Joe didn't accept my invitation to join the contest in the first place as he would no doubt have won! In comparison to the bone idle, no good, sun-tanning, work-shy, etc inmates that have ended up here (with the exception of Mr Cooper who is nothing if not regular...which is more than can be said the wombats) Joe has proved himself a pearl before swine. Even it did mean having to stretch to revealing Masonic Secrets!
Larry...good man! It's about time we had some real artwork on this board. In the meantime, I'll send in the fumigators. Either one of Morgan's balls has popped out again or Dave MacLachan's absence is about to be explained.
Incidentally...please don't forget everybody that you have all been called to the Diary Room to answer for your slovenly sins! Normal Not-So-Big-Brother rules apply and failure to respond will result in the usual punishment as soon as Dave MacLachlan's corpse has been removed from the house. Another inmate savaged by a rabid wombat. We'll have the R.S.P.C.A. down on us at this rate.
Now this is a sad reflection on the slacker arsed house members it has been my misfortune to be banged up with.
(dangle, dangle.)
"Not So Big Brother" has had to outsource postings. This one was provided by Mr Jo Jo Petrolhead of Upper Hungary.
Joseph Petrenyi: 10:00PM 2002-08-15 Thursday
RE "Post me something entertaining now!"
So, here is an important warning:
"Protecting ignorant Christians from homosexual predators!"
I am forgiving Mr. Jo Jo for the tautology contained in words 2 and 3. Hungarians are a barely literate race. An indication of "Not So Big Brother's" desperation that he should have to call upon such people.
Joseph Petrenyi: 10:00PM 2002-08-15 Thursday
RE "Post me something entertaining now!"
So, here is an important warning:
"Protecting ignorant Christians from homosexual predators!"
I am forgiving Mr. Jo Jo for the tautology contained in words 2 and 3. Hungarians are a barely literate race. An indication of "Not So Big Brother's" desperation that he should have to call upon such people.
First of all, congratulations to Peter Cooper on your 'A' level results. Not that they mean anything nowadays of course (you only get a place in Cambridge or Oxford if your parents can afford one) but as a reward here's a link to something very special:
Secondly, where the hell is everyone today!? Just because you're not up on the voting board doesn't mean you can slack off! I can always put you up there, you know? Fingers out! Bellies in! Post me something entertaining now!
Thirdly...well, there isn't a thirdly, but when I think of something I'll let you know. Time to send a few Diary Room calls and get you bone idle bastards working I reckon!
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
In light of the fact that Headmistress Hughes promised "brownie points" for hand drawn interpretations of life in The House -- a worthless promise from someone who cannot vote -- posted below is a doctored photo depiction of my life in the Not So Big Brother House
Click on thumbnail picture.
Click on thumbnail picture.
Not-So-Big-Brother Response: Being impartial to the outcome of this contest, although I'm still banking on Peter Cooper to win as stated earlier due to the high-cost of postage abroad, I might not be voting but, as media expert and summary judge, I still have power of influence, should I care to use it, over the casual voter. vote paul morgan off the board now... However, following such an accurate portrayal of how I picture life in the house myself, I shall refrain from casting any aspersions in your direction Mr Organ.
The Guns fell silent... it was Christmas...
Well, here I have two offerings to the NSBB Gods... Not one, but TWO!! I can think of many who would not be pleased at my doctoring such photos, but these accurately depict my feelings on the blog so far and I am sure the feelings of all my comrades in arms...
Click on thumb nails.
Also, for your enjoyment in the next week, I will be posting photos of scary SS men and British paratroopers duking it out. Have fun...
It's sunny. I flee for better weather and for chips. Taa taa
Not-So-Big-Brother Response: Strangely reminiscent of life in Fleetwood on pension day!
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
Click on thumbnail picture.
Not-So-Big-Brother response: This cartoon reminds of one of S***** L******'s Str*ngebr**d cartoons as well. The one I used to wipe my arse on when I ran out of loo-roll last week. Incidentally, that's good reading material you've got there Sedgwick. Available now at ALL GOOD BOOKSTORES!
CHRISTINE ASHMAN IS CALLED TO THE NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER DIARY ROOM!
Hello Christine. Since joining the other inmates in the Not-So-Big-Brother house you've been very quiet and reserved. Is this a tactic to gain public sympathy or is just difficult to breath with the amount of testosterone and rancid boxer shorts hanging around the place? Thank you for asking, Not-So-Big-Brother! It is indeed the fog of puetrid air which arises from the testosterone and rancid boxer shorts. In fact, I am thinking about sending out for a supply of oxygen and some potpourri. Good night everyone, hope you all have better sleeping weather than we do in New England.
BTW - I was falsely accused of missing the dead line for my entry to the diary room. I was called in on 8-11, today is 8-13
This week's task will be for every contestant to draw (preferably...just doctor a photograph if you don't have a scanner but real art will earn you brownie points) your own interpretation of life in the Not-So-Big-Brother house. And that's it!
Don't forget to post all your pictures by next Monday evening (if you haven't got a web site then send your illustration to me instead via e-mail and I'll see what I can do). Failure to do so etc...you know the rest.
In the meantime...
...last week's poems have all been gathered together and placed in the Not-So-Big-Brother ante-chamber where Sedgwick's wombats can't eat them. Click here to read them in relative safety.
Good luck contestants.
Okay...the nominations are in and (checks notebook) in no particular order whatsoever, the results are as follows.
Peter Cooper received two nominations. (Actually he nearly received another one after mentioning the dread 'F' word on this blog board...that's right Mr Cooper...I do mean football!)
Kevin 'Spotted Thong' Coffee received one nomination.
Terry 'Wombats R Us' Sedgwick received one nomination.
Paul 'Organ' Morgan (aka the Angel of Death) received fifteen nominations. (Actually he received one but we can all dream.)
Cathy 'hermaphrodite' Smith received two nominations.
Larry 'The Butcher -- lamb chops half price this week' Miller part trois surprisingly received no nominations...proving that evil pays dividends.
Christine 'I just managed to post my poem at the very last minute but still failed to respond to the diary room call within the time limit' Ashman received a staggering four nominations, which just goes to show that you can't sleep on this blog.
Dave 'I seem to have vanished from the face of the earth' MacLachlan received three nominations and, due to the fact that he couldn't be bothered nominating anybody else has automatically been chosen for the VOTING BOARD.
Therefore...this week's potential evictees are the beautiful but overworked and underblogged Christine Ashman and the promisingly started but increasingly absent Dave MacLachlan. Now it's up to the viewers and voting public to decide which one goes and which one stays. The rest of the inmates can rest easy in their hammocks, beds, boxes, sets and mangers for the next seven days...although, of course, failure to meet Diary Room Appointments, complete the set task (details of which will be posted shortly) and nominate when requested will result in automatic placement on Next Week's Voting Board.
In the meantime, Christine and Dave, blog hard and heavy to save your skins because the Voting Board will be uploaded presently and will remain in place until Sunday evening.
Thank you and may God have mercy on your souls.
gasping due to hyperventilation...
2 Nominations?!?! Coffee I understand, but... CATHY?!?! I think I am going to cry for some unknown reason now... *sobbage*
For true, this has been eventful week. This very day I passed my driving theory test, although I think I may have crashed the computer instead since it went all fuzzy and black after I was done... not to worry, half way there...
Little else to report, other than that I have many pretty piccys of my kitties. Mail me to see the joys of kittenhood with Sputnik, Becks and Gresty. *Sigh*. Oh, the football season started also, so I bring you... THE CREWE ALEXANDRA SCORE from their *first* game back in Division 2...
Northampton Town (0) 1 - 1 (1) Crewe Alexandra
*sigh*
Song of the Week: Idlewild - You Held The World In Your Arms Tonight
Comet of the Day: High Wycombe outlet
Man of the Moment: Cathy Smith
Monday, August 12, 2002
Taking a sickie
The phone ringing
Set my head singing
I gave my partner a nudge
But he refused to budge
My nose was clogged with snot
Outside it was hot
Just the type of day
When bed is the place to stay.
Okay that is my little piece of doggerel out of the way.
The phone ringing
Set my head singing
I gave my partner a nudge
But he refused to budge
My nose was clogged with snot
Outside it was hot
Just the type of day
When bed is the place to stay.
Okay that is my little piece of doggerel out of the way.
As for the nominations... I always did fancy the idea of being a rugby Queen... but the thought of being jumped on by my fellow house mates is, well the little hairs on the back of my neck are standing up - and NOT out of desire. I think you are all picking on me because you are all jealous that my dong is the biggest.
Okay, the nominations I nominate Cathy Smith and Paul Morgan because I want to be the Queen Bee and they are standing in my way!
Christine
I just realized that it is well past 11 pm GMT, I can never count the hours in the right direction.
Not-So-Big-Brother Comment:
Thank you Paul and Cathy for your nominations. Taking into account that Larry Miller the third is experiencing some confusion about posting the nominations and has actually written to me on the subject which means that I shall allow him some leeway and not automatically put him up for eviction tomorrow then...er...bollocks, I've lost track now.
Anyhow...the results so far show that Dave MacLachlan and Christine Ashman both have three nominations making them the two most likely candidates to appear on this week's Voting Off Board.
By an irony they are also the two contestants who haven't been arsed posting their own nominations and were, therefore, going to be fed to the lions anyway. They have until tomorrow evening (six o'clock G.M.T....possibly P.M.T. depending on how my better half feels) to post their blogs and possibly redeem themselves in the eyes of Joe Public, and I would also be grateful if Mr Miller could post his nominations here shortly as well to avoid the same hideous fate. As mentioned earlier I probably won't be putting Larry up to the vote due to his obvious confusion about this matter...and besides some of his blogs have made me laugh. Mainly the serious ones.
In the words of Young Mr Grace..."You've all done very well...especially the cliched homosexual."
Alive again -- after being resurrected by Instant Coffee (though in dire need of a shower, shave and skin graft) .... I nominate Dave Maclachlan (because I can't pronounce his name ..... I mean, is it "Day-ve" or "Dav-ee") and Christine Ashman (because I have never considered myself to be much of an ash man).
Cathy Smith's First Poem
Not-So-Big-Brother note: Quite possibly ever.
When on the phone be careful,
If a hanky you have not,
For if your nose starts to drip,
You'll end up with a mouthpiece full of snot,
Then if you go and nudge it,
Out it will pour,
And make such a gooey mess,
Upon your nice clean floor.....
Not-So-Big-Brother awards Cathy one gold star for effort and cutting the dealine so very short.
NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER REMINDER!
So far only three of the bum-mates (regardless of their pretences to being dead, strangled, angels, deities or otherwise) have posted their nominations. Just to reiterate the rules of this blog, in quite large letters: Each contestant must nominate two of the other contestants for eviction. The nominations must be posted on this board by tomorrow night. The two contestants with the most nominations against them get put on the next Voting Board and then go to the public vote for eviction.
So far only Terry Sedgwick, Kevin Coffee and Peter Cooper have either sent me or posted their nominations on the blog. Failure for any other contestant to nominate and post will result in death, mutilation and, more importantly, automatic placement on Tuesday night's Voting Board regardless of all other nominations, illnesses, mental breakdowns, septic hernias or imploding brains. Is that clear!?
Also, final reminder...Cathy Smith and Christine Ashman...Not So Big Brother is still waiting for your poems. You have until tommorrow night to post them otherwise...see above.
Now get your fingers out you bone idle bastards and work for these bits of crappy paper with cartoons on them!
SO BE IT!
Sunday, August 11, 2002
Let it be known on this day that the message is spreading throughout the land of the GOOD NEWS. He has risen! He has conquered death and has left his grave to bring an end to suffering and to give funnly little colored eggs to all children of the world. I think he also leaves money under your pillow when you lose a tooth, but I'll have to verify that fact later. Morgan is no longer dead!
Click thumbnail.
SO REJOICE AND FEEL PERFECTLY FREE TO NOMINATE HIS ASS OUT OF THE HOUSE!
And, having said that, this will make no sense at all, but here are my nominations for the week, based on very little other than duty according to the contest rules...I nominate Peter Cooper and Christine Ashman.
Not-So-Big-Brother Announcement:
First up...Peter Cooper's nominations for next week's evictions (although I'm not sure why he sent them to me by e-mail rather than posting them but there you go...) are as follows:
My nominations are:
Kevin Coffee
Mazza MacLachlan
Who so? None of your business, we are not to discuss our nominations remember!
Second up...An Interview with Joe King, the latest victim of the house! Only available at:
http://www.btinternet.com/~scragends/blog/interview2.htm
And I think that's it for now. Please post your nominations everyone...preferably here at the board rather than via e-mail...saves me a lot of messing around to be honest...and yes...it's a painful business but I'm a sadistic sod and that's how it works. Not-So-Big-Brother.
THE POLLS ARE NOW CLOSED!
Not-So-Big-Brother can now announce the next evictee from the board!
Joe Public has decided!
Joe King has been derided!
Yes, despite attempting to gain sympathy votes by getting involved in a fatal wombat-related accident after his first posting, the general public has been severe and demanded that Joe King vacate the premises. Joe's corpse has now officially been evicted! (Let that be a warning to you Morgan...playing possum doesn't work!)
Two down...seven (or something) to go.
Joe...you have one hour to pack your belongings and
Get out of the house never to come back!
Notice to all remaining contestants...
Following the demise of Joe King all contestants are now required by the rules of the blog to nominate two of their fellow inmates for eviction next week. The most requested contestants for the chop will then be put to the public vote.
A reminder to Cathy Smith and Christine Ashman...you have exactly two days left before the next task is set. If you do not post your poems before then you shall be automatically added to the Voting Board, over-riding the other nominations.
Any contestant failing to post their nominations within two days (i.e. by Tuesday night) will also be up for eviction!
This is a house of discipline! (As Morgan will testify.) This is a house that stands for no disobediance. All contestants will obey or be exterminated! Not-So-Big-Brother is a merciful God but a total bastard when Editor's note: That's enough...they get the picture.
Joe...kindly leave the building. On second thoughts...somebody call the undertakers and carry him out by the back door before the rats move in.
Evictee Interview coming soon.
That is all! Not-So-Big-Brother!
The Voting Board closes in a couple of hours time at which point
Interview with latest victim coming soon! Keep watching this board.Joe King one of the contestants will be thrown out wearing nothing but their socks into the harsh climate of the British summer. This is your last chance to vote everybody! (Please note, Paul Morgan's pathetic attempts to deflect viewers from voting against him by pretending to be dead are just a sham!)
Coffee, put down your copy of "The Greyminster Chronicles" (we all know it is merely covering up your well thumbed copy of the "1924 Gold Edition Hustler") and be uplifted by this book which was obviously written with reprobates like you in mind. And I did note with interest the chapter you contributed to this book.
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