MORGAN FOUND GUILTY OF DOCTORING PHOTOS - FACES EXECUTION WITH A SMILE

Viewers won't have the option of voting cartoonist Paul Morgan out of the 'Not So Big Brother' house as a .32 caliber slug has rendered Morgan, well, dead. Per the rules established by entrepreneur Brian Hughes, a person has to have a pulse to win his worthless Scrag Ends' renderings. Housemate Cathy Smith accused Morgan of doctoring photos of her -- photos that depicted her as an uncircumcised soccer player. Smith took her case to court - and won. The jury could have either chosen 5 days probation or death. They returned a verdict of -- as the jury foreman so eloquently stated -- "put a slug in his fucking head." Morgan chuckled. The execution was carried out during the evening hours of Saturday, August 10th. When asked if he had any last words Morgan smiled, thought for a moment, and then requested that his extensive collection of "Supple Juggs" porn magazines be donated to charity.

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MORGAN IS EVIL

In response to Paul's cheap shot tactics, I feel I should warn the rest of the housemates about the Morgan family history.....Seen in the photo is Paul's uncle, Heinrick Morgan..also known as Morgan Mengele, who by strange coincidence developed the techniques for gender transformation...but at what cost? The Morgan family it seems have throughout history been involved in nefarious activities on a global scale, which begs the question, what of Paul himself? Im sure the other housemates, if they care to look carefully, can also find pictures featuring other members of the Morgan family to further reinforce the fact that Morgan is indeed Evil......Watch your backs housemates....YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED...

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SHOCKER -
CATHY SMITH IS A MAN!

The person known to fellow roommates as Cathy Smith is not a woman after all. His real name - Louie Smith. In an attempt to garner the support of the predominately male audience, Smith donned a bra and panties and slipped in the back door of the Not So Big Brother flat. Whispers of Smith's gender swap had been circulating throughout the house for quite some time (although this didn't dissuade either Coffee or Sedgwick who were both seen courting him with flowers and midnight serenades). It was all just a rumor until a photo (posted below) was discovered on the internet -- a photo of Smith participating in his club's weekend football match. The rumors are now fact .... Cathy Smith is a man baaaaaaaby!

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As a concerned resident of the house, I ask you the voters to expel Smith immediately. Thank you.

The Latest Photographs!

Day seven or something and it's weekend in the Not-So-Big-Brother house. Hoping to win over his sexually frustrated cellmates, Terence-bin-Sedgwick throws a traditional Ozzie Barbie, mincing several of his illegally smuggled wombats into McSupial-Burgers. And what gluttons for punishment the other inmates are! (Especially Paul Morgan but that's a different story and one currently going through the European courts.)

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Kevin Coffee wrestles Angie, his pet cat, away from the barmcakes in a desperate attempt to stop it exploding.

Cathy Smith bites off more than she can chew, becoming the latest victim of Jadism.

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Larry (The Butcher) Miller consumes too much lard and frolicks alluringly round the Not-So-Big-Brother dustbins searching for somewhere to take a shit.

In the meantime, Sedgers himself, all too aware of the dangers of wombat-burgers garnished with salad dressing and smegma, spots one of the camera crew and invites them inside for dinner.

MORE PHOTOGRAPHS SOON!

The Not-So-Big-Brother-Photograph-Album sponsored by Homeland Security:

Keeping the Free World safe from Japanese bastards since 1942!

Do the Free World a favour, top of the pile has to be "The Greyminster Chronicles".

A message from the Ministry of Homeland Security.


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Thank you for your attention.
SOURCE:- HERE
and HERE.

COMING SOON FROM

Not-So-Big-Brother-Cheap-&-Nasty-Gravy-Train-Productions-PLC

Introducing the Not-So-Big-Brother Annual...jam packed with behind the scenes information such as photographs of M'Organ's gender realignment surgery, interviews with June Fagg (mother of the Wombat of All Evil), interesting recipes from Larry 'The Butcher' Miller (toad in the hole...made with real toad and real hole), Peter Cooper's favourite marching songs, plus rare, unseen photographs of Christine Ahsman and Cathy Smith is a lesbian combo with Kevin 'Thongs-R-Us' Coffee.

Also Coming Soon:

Not-So-Big-Brother The Album!

Yes, the soundtrack to the most pointless website of the summer featuring all of your favourite songs from yesteryear as sung by the East Grimstead Disability Centre Rolf Harris Tabernacle Singers:

All available soon in your local dustbin.

Not-So-Big-Brother Comment!

Morgan and Sedgwick...thou art a pair of evil, blasphemous bastards! Is it not written:

"Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God and none other before him"?

As your one and only God, the true saviour of cartoonists and the Messiah of Blogboards, I command you to repent...otherwise you'll be smitten off via the Voting Board next week. And while you're at it send me your money now or you won't get a decent seat in Heaven to watch the Pagan burning festivities!

LATEST PHOTOGRAPH FROM THE HOUSE:

Showing the true extent of Sedgwick's and Organ's religious devotion:

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Not-So-Big-Brother Reminder!

Will members of the viewing public please take a few seconds of their time to vote one of these disgraceful charletans off the board. It's completely free and painless and you can even vote again the following day. Judgement day is almost upon us (Sunday evening to be exact) when the first victim walks...so VOTE NOW!!!!

Thank you.

Terry - Judging by your recent comment it is obvious that you weren't aware of the fact that I am a cartoonist only at night. By day I am King of the Jews. While the burden of being such is at times a heavy cross to bear, it does have it's perks. One of these perks is dispatching to eternal damnation anyone who criticizes my potty humor.

By no coincidence, I'm sure, your recent complaint was followed by the first vote cast to expel me from this house. I'm not sure what my response will be at this time as I still have to confer with my dad. Tread carefully Mr. Sedgwick.

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Note. Please place your mouse over Sedgwick's perpetually animated crutch for more information.

Not-So-Big-Brother Comment: Cathy...it appears that the ever beneficient 50Megs.com has pulled the plug on your hot-linking activities. Please send the animation of Sedgwick's uncontrollable trouser-snake to me at the usual address and I'll post on my own site for you to hotlink.

For the record I would also like to state that I used to have an account with 50Megs.com and they are the BIGGEST PILE OF SHIT I've ever come across. Viewers take note...don't subscribe to these money-grabbing, spam-sending wankers unless you're prepared to have a completely shit web site that never fucking works and an e-mail server clogged with utter crap.

Dear Viewers and Voters.

I wish to appeal to my fellow Christians to rise up in arms against the increasing number of grossly unfair postings that are aimed at denigrating me. I can take a joke with the best of them. Indeed I have often taken jokes made by other people and turned them into cartoons. However I ask you how would you feel if manipuliated photos presented you in overtly homosexural actvities? Even further I believe it to be grossly unfair of them to drag my family into this. Manipulated photos indicating my grand daughter is a bright pink hairless wombat are beyond the pail.

Let me assure the people who have perpereterated this tasteless acts that I now the laws of libel and slander. However, rather than resorting to the law, I am calling upon the power of prayer to bring these felons to face their sins. I want all my Christain friends to join me in a night of prayer. I want these people who purported to be my friends to realise the true and mighty power of prayer. Our God is a merciful one, but even He has His limits. When He is over the limit He can be trully wrathful. They will realise this as they break out in boils, when their eyeballs drop out of their sockets and their nadgers turn into prickly sea urchins.

Normally in these circumstancers I would contact Not So Big Brother and request that he cancel my precipitation in this event. That would be the easy way out but I will not be outed by people like this. If I go, I want to be voted off by my piers. Then and only then will I say "You won't have Terry Milhaus Sedgwick to kick around any more." Pray friends, pray hard and often for these people's immoral soles.

I know I have been quiet. I have been so overcome with trying to write the blooming poem that I have not been able to write anything else. If only there was no requirement that it rhyme, I could have posted ten poems by now. Not all of them good, of course, but better than the competition. Now, I have two days worth of reading to do (what a prolific bunch!), a poem to finish, and I need to fit in sleep somewhere. Christine By the way - I have the biggest penis.


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A note from the Department of Homeland Security.
Christine, the picture you posted did not appear. After consultation with other members of the Star Chamber I have taken the opportunity to post an appropriate replacement. It so happens that the Department has access to the photos that were edited from the Clinton memoirs ... "Close But NO Cigar". Admittedly it is not enormous but it knocks M'Organ's appendage into a cocked chapeau.

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It seems that my admission of guilt in the fabrication of my relationship with Angelina Jolie has inspired some emotion in at least one of our viewers. I just received this e-mail from Gillian Anderson, and have decided to share it with everyone as I find it very powerful and touching...

Dear Jim,

How have you been? It's been too long since we've seen each other. I still read Garfield and Mr. Potato Head, as well as that strange stuff you do under the pen-name of Kevin Coffee. I assume that's all just for your own twisted amusement since those Coffee Spill cartoons will obviously never make you a red cent! And I've been very intrigued by your participation in this "Not So Big Brother" thing. I have no idea why you would want to participate in such a degrading, senseless activity. Maybe if there was a real prize, but in this case, I just don't get it. Anyway, I've been appalled at some of the treatment you've received from the other contestants. If that picture is real of you being anally violated by that Australian mental patient, you have my deepest sympathy. I hope this contest is over soon, but I feel you're in it for the long haul, especially now after being treated so horribly...I don't know how any normal person could ever consider voting you out, even after the embarrasment of admitting that you made up your relationship with Angelina Jolie. That was pretty lame, Jim. You are such a sexy man, you don't need to make up stuff like that. And besides, why Angelina Jolie? She's a blood-vial wearing freak who probably has sex with donkeys.

I've been thinking of that night we first met, Jim, and I still see Heather every once in a while and we talk about it. Once this sick contest is over, we'd really like to get together again. The way you kept both of us going for hours and hours was unbelievable. And I've never met anyone that makes such wonderful use of beef jerkey dipped in honey the way you did. If you don't mind, my X-Files pal David Duchovny is interested in joining us. He saw that picture of Sedgwick humping your sweet, luscious hiney, and he wants to party with you and me and Heather. So if things get too bad and unbearable in that house, just keep thinking about the night we'll have once you win the contest and are free again.

Looking forward to another amazing night with you,
Gillian

WOW!!! What a gal! I hope you all enjoyed that e-mail as much as I did!

All right, Morgan, now I have been truly violated! Disgusting! No one could ever be so heartless as to have the slightest thought of voting me out now. Obviously that's a doctored photo, because Sedgwick would never want to have anything to do with sex with a human. Yukkk! I'm beginning to agree with Langille's perspective. At least you didn't violate my precious Stan...er, Molly.

How, one might wonder, did Terry know that Kevin's nickname is "Instant Coffee?"

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ok ladies......this is what i'm talking about....terry is 200 pounds of pure rippling muscle....hmmmmm...a real man.....see you in the hot tub terry..and dont forget to wear the wombat thong hun..... >

NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER REMINDER!

Inmates, Viewers, Voters, Plebians and Members of the General Public...could I have you attention for one moment please? (We shall return to the current spat over 'wanger' dimensions shortly. Please bear with me...)

The polls for eviction close this Sunday evening G.M.T. Whoever has the highest number of votes at that point will be forcibly removed from the Not-So-Big-Brother house. If necessary, violence will be employed to evict them. At the moment it looks as though Joe King is for the chop. However, there's many a slip twixt cup and lip (as the gynocologist said) so keep please keep voting! Remember, this is your decision and, quite frankly, it's time to prove Organ Morgan's father correct!

For the record, Joe King was involved in a road accident last week and hasn't had much opportunity to post anything here.

So vote him off now!

We don't want slackers on this board, whatever the reason!

Cathy, Christine and possibly someone else (I'll have to check my records)...you haven't posted your poems yet. Or, indeed, much of anything. Chop, chop...or it's the chop for you! (I know...I'm cruel and I'm evil. I also run this place so, please remember, the bathroom facilties et al are under my control.)

Now I'll hand you back to your regular viewing. Thank you for listening.

Paul, you have convinced me to come clean and admit that most of my life is a complete lie. I don't have an 18 inch schwantz, as you call it. Both of my penises are much smaller than that. And I've never even met Angelina Jolie, although the threesome with Gillian Anderson and Heather Locklear really did happen. Here is a picture of me with my current girlfriend, Molly. She used to be a truck driver named Stan. She beats me close to death every time I leave half-eaten bratwursts in the shower. I hope that by revealing my real, sad self, there will be more sympathy to my cause of surviving in the Big Brother house. I sure as hell am in no hurry to get back to this witch.

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QUESTION: WHAT DO THESE WOMEN HAVE IN COMMON?

ANSWER: THEY HAVE ALL BEEN NAILED BY KEVIN COFFEE.

I did a little research into Kevin's claim that he has conquered many a sexy starlet. I soon discovered that his proclamations were false. Boldface lies, the lot of them. I was able to contact three of Kevin's old girlfriends. Starlets? No. They are pictured above. Take a look at their pathetic, unfulfilled faces. Sad, isn't it. These women have all harbored Kevin's eighteen inch schwantz -- so why the sad faces, I wondered. My question was answered upon discovering that all three women had the exact same nickname for Kevin -- "INSTANT COFFEE" -- a reflection, the women professed, of Kevin's sexual prowess, or lack thereof.

Kevin, you're a nice enough guy so I don't want to see you bounced from this blog, however, if you want to remain in the house, I suggest that from now on you keep your fibs (and your schwantz) to yourself.

It just occurred to me that Terry Sedgwick called Kevin "INSTANT COFFEE" yesterday (see Terry's comment below). How, one might wonder, did Terry know that Kevin's nickname is "Instant Coffee?" ...hmm. The plot thickens.

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Need instant credit? Been rejected in the past?

Then check the damn spam you get in your inbox, you must get, what, 50 emails a DAY about the stuff? If I do then surely you must, otherwise I will be crying about it an AWFUL LOT!!!

I had trouble voting this good morning, because whenever I pressed "vote" IE decided to jump off a bridge to it's horrible death. So, if there are about 20 votes for Mazza Coffe you know why. Seriously though, I only voted 3 times (or atleast attempted to three times) but it is for an undisclosed member of this very blogging area *insert boos and mumblings of worry here*

Song of the Day: InMe - "Firefly"

War Movies of the Day: "A Bridge Too Far" with far too many stars to mention, "The Dirty Dozen" with the same accolade

Computer Game of the Day: Gran Turismo III, because it is just THAT DAMN GOOD

THIS JUST IN...

FISTICUFFS HAVE BROKEN OUT BETWEEN LARRY MILLER III AND TERRY SEDGWICK!

Mobster Larry Miller Mark 3 and Terry Sedgwick have dropped the kid gloves and resorted to bare fisted knuckle headedness! The message center at the voting area of the Not So Big Brother Blog has erupted into a face bruising battle between the two house mates. Film at eleven...

The very vain (and deluded) Mr Instant Coffee posted this nonsense. "Though they may not admit it openly, many of the other contestants have mentioned that one of the few pleasurable experiences in this house is enjoying the sight of me walking around in my underwear."

The estimable, valiant and generous Mr. Morgan pointed out that I have physical charms of a greater magnitude than those displayed by the narcississyistic Coffee dreg. In return I point out that Mr. Morgan himself cuts a dashing figure.

NOT SO FAST MR. COFFEE ... DARE TO COMPARE

I believe your "one of the few pleasurable experiences in this house is enjoying the sight of me walking around in my underwear" comment is a bit presumptuous. What in God's name gave you the idea that women prefer men with abs of steel, chiseled pecs and an eighteen inch schwantz. While Terrance Sedgwick might not have a so-called classic physique, women flock to him. He's very sensitive, enjoys long walks in the rain (when he's not hauling dirt) and has a rather endearing personality. Unlike yourself, Mr. Sedgwick is a real men, err, man.

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CLICK HERE

...for an exclusive interview with the Not-So-Big-Brother's first contestant casualty...Peter Delgado Jr!

Hear about the wild nights of passion when Peter drank three bottles of Alchopops and shed his undies like the skin of a ghecko. See the string vest that he used as a net during his epic gladitorial battle against Sedgwick's socks. Discover the truth about Cathy Smith's mythical buttock birthmark in the shape of Liza Minelli's head.

Only at The Not-So-Big-Brother Post-Coital Interview Room!

Not-So-Big-Brother Very Important Announcment!

THE VOTING BOOTH IS NOW OPEN!

If you're not reading this announcement at: http://notsobigbrother.blogspot.com then please visit the link. You'll find the voting board on the left hand side of the page next to the latest posting or anywhere you see the scrumdiddleyumptuous Jade's visage. This will transport you to a separate voting page in a new browser window. Either way will do, as the Bishop said to the actress.

Feel free to cast your votes, aspersions, insults, bogies, old underwear, roses, accusations, fishing nets (this list could go on all night if I don't stop now)...at whomever you so feel fit to throw out of the Not-So-Big-Brother house. Remember, once they're gone they cannot return...but they can still hurl turds at the windows.

As the founder and dungeon-master of this Blog I shall remain impartial throughout and, therefore, will not be voting myself. However, please feel free to organise armies of voters on your favourite contestant's behalf, work out how to cheat and vote several times, start slur campaigns against your enemies, send me bribes (which, incidentally, won't work, but I could do with the money) and so on and so forth!

Interview with the Not-So-Big-Brother's first victim, Peter Delgado Jr to follow shortly.

Not-So-Big-Brother Over and Out of his Mind on Spa Home Blend.

Big Brother, Sir...thank you for mentioning my undergarments in today's earlier announcement. Though they may not admit it openly, many of the other contestants have mentioned that one of the few pleasurable experiences in this house is enjoying the sight of me walking around in my underwear. As you stated, Great Big Brother, the classic thong is my favorite. Here is a photo that Paul Morgan shot just yesterday. It clearly illustrates that it would be a terrible idea to vote me out of the house, as no one else here looks anywhere nearly this good in their undergarments. I could show a photo taken of Sedgwick in his horribly stained and ripped shorties to illustrate this point, but I'm afraid we would instantly lose all of our viewers.

sorry Pete....but your not in the same league as terry....he is an antipodean god in the ilk of mel gibson...and I want him to have my wombats...and you left a huge floater in the hot tub.....sorry hun...

Do that Morgan and I'll take out your entire family!! Do you know where your children are? (Looking at them ... would you care?)

Not-So-Big-Brother calls Paul Morgan to the Diary Room!

Hello Paul. Not-So-Big-Brother has been informed that you have a few complaints to make about some of the inmates. Now that you've been called to the Diary Room you can have the opportunity to voice some of them. How exactly can I help?

Mr. Hughes - The complaints I reportedly have about some of my fellow inmates are nothing more than rumor and innuendo. False rumor and innuendo. The fact is that I love everyone here at The Not So Big Brother Blog. All of my fellow contestants are clever, attractive, talented and witty. Even Sedgwick's garbled poetry -- after it was translated by Schizophrenic Phil (the town drunk) -- was insightfully poignant.

Before I sign off, I would like to take this time to announce to my fellow bloggers that cash and prizes will be awarded to each and every contestant who doesn't vote me off this blog. While my desire to win has nothing to do with the acquisition of Brian Hughes' worthless scribbles, it would go a long way in countering my father's claim that I am a "no good lazy fucking piece of shit who will never amount to anything." Thank you.

Not-So-Big-Brother Response: Thank you Paul. Exactly how much money are we talking about here...always remembering that I will be chosing the nominations for next week's Voting Board?

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GOODBYE, PETE!

DANG! I was hoping to secretly create an alliance with you and the two ladies to tar and feather this Sedgwick character! ANYTHING would improve the ODOR!

IF ANYONE ELSE WOULD BE INTERESTED, POST HERE AND WE'LL DISCUS!

NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!

Not-So-Big-Brother inmates, viewers, abuse hurlers, groundlings and all those people skulking about behind the scenes of this Blog...we've had our first contestant leave the house!

Peter Delgado Jr has decided to walk the walk of shame (albeit with a blanket over his head and through the back door) due, unfortunately, to complications with the Blogger system. (Personally I think that's just an excuse...obviously the foetid stench eminating from Sedgwick and Morgan's shared bunk was too much for him to bear!)

Peter Delgado will be joining me in the interview lounge to discuss his brief experiences in the house presently. (Or in Kevin Coffe's case...not so much brief as boxer shorts and leopard skin thong.) For the time being though, thanks to Peter for being such a good sport.

Now get out of the building!

Remaining Contestants: Please Note...

Peter Delgado's unexpected departure does not mean that the Voting Board will not appear tomorrow night. As promised, each and every contestant's name will be appearing on it. So you'd better start blogging pretty damned hard if you want to win over the public opinion. After one week the votes will be tallied and the most unpopular houseguest gets thrown out on their arse. (Possibly with a wombat stuffed up it.)

That is all! Not-So-Big-Brother Over and Out...as indeed is Mr Delgado.

So much to do, but so little time to do it

Things to do today: Wash cars, draw up Soldat 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 for scanning (already fixed my scanner! Whee!), hoover house, Send checks for various militaria and for renewal of my Alex Exiles membership. Oh, and take a nice relaxing bath.

Songs of the day: Ash - "Envy", Bruce Springsteen - "Streets of Philadelphia", Wilt - "Take Me Home"

Weapon of Choice for the Day: Sten machine carbine Mk.II

http://www.geocities.com/rafcoops/PeterTommy4.jpg

Not-So-Big-Brother calls Larry Miller Mark Three to the Diary Room!

Hi Larry. This is you first visit to the Not-So-Big-Brother Diary Room. How are you finding your experiences in the house so far and has the foul stench emanating from Sedgwick's corner caused any medical conditions that need attending to yet?

JUST GREAT

After finally coming to and adjusting the gas mask, I've finally been revived enough to offer the ladies in the house the opportunity to join me in the hot tub for a long breather away from Sedgwick!

Come on, Ladies!

Not-So-Big-Brother Responds: Thank you Larry. Please remember to post the photographs of the hot tub session and unclog the flu afterwards. The html code that you're using appears to working fine. Unlike the air conditioner in Sedgwick's room.

Note to Not So Big Brother " We have an audience of at least one. She also wrote this in the comments box.

Lynn 10:09PM 2002-08-06 Tuesday I just found your blog in the recently updated list and it looks interestingly different but it's way too wide for my screen and it's really a pain to have to use the horizontal scroll bar to read each line.

Anyone else having this problem. Answers in the comments box please and I shall pass it onto someone who can do something about it. (Certainly nobody in Tech Support for starters, that's a recipe for disaster)

Not So Big Brother Response: Terry...I didn't like to mention anything because I thought it might just be my computer, but...

From Sedgwick ... O.K. shall look at that ... never quite got my head around that sort of merde

Also...has anyone else received an e-mail allegedly from me tonight containing an attachment? If you have please don't open it unless there's a full explanation in the e-mail as to what it is. Some mindless little twat out there is trying to set me up and the attachment is a virus. (I doubt that it's off my own computer as I never allow viruses to take root.) Please let me know and when I find the pillock who's doing this I shall inform the police and have the bell end arrested. Cheers, Not-So-Big-Brother.

Viruses ... cherchez le S****!

Not-So-Big-Brother Addendum: Found this on the web:

http://securityresponse.symantec.com/avcenter/venc/data/w32.klez.h@mm.html

Apparently the virus can assume somebody else's address as the sender...very naughty but, fortunately, it would appear that it didn't originate from my hard drive. If anybody reading this has both Kevin's and my address in their address book you might have the virus mentioned above. Could you please check out the link and download the virus killer. Cheers.

Yeah. I can get this thing to post, but it keeps wrapping the text and ignoring the html code. I blame Sedgewick! (It's fun, easy, and he makes a good target.) Enough with this poetry, already!

ÆΩζΒΗβýÚØжµ ξμÆΧšφΣ šφΣÚØжµ Öñς≈♥μê ΩýƧ¥Ðµς €≈Ô ΒΗβý snot,ΣÚ ξμÆΧßÞÒ∞ÆΩζ šφΣÚØжµ Öñς≈♥μêÅßÞÒ ΩýƧ¥Ðµς¥Ú⊇Ó €≈ÔÅ nudge ßÞÒ∞ šφΣÚØжµ æÊÄÛ¤Õς≈σÃǬ ∑βÆÞ¥Ú⊇Ó óѵбΔθ phone ÕÆΨΧ ξμÆΧßÞÒ∞ÆΩζ ?????????????? DAMMIT, SEDGEWICK! STOP TALKING WITH YOUR MOUTHFUL! This is televised, you know! Not-So-Big-Brother notice: Ah ha...Larry...you're aboard! Okay...I'll shift my last posting down to this one so you can check it out better.

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Not-So-Big-Brother Request Time!

The following poem was written and produced by Larry Miller III who, unfortunately, is having some terrible problems getting into the Blogger Board. Not-So-Big-Brother has, therefore, decided to post on Larry's behalf (we're strict but fair) until the problems are sorted out or he's thrown to the lions courtesy of the voting board, whichever is sooner. In the meantime, please relax and enjoy:

Ode to a Rival

Whilst strolling the streets

In my old neighborhood,

I spotted a familiar figure

Apparently up to no good!

He had crossed onto my turf

And was running the numbers,

Distributing contraband and

Escorted his stable of hookers!

I walked right on past

And when just along side him,

I gave him a nudge and glance

To let him know I recognized him!

The scum-sucking snot gave no

Return of acknowledgement

And continued his intrusion

Upon my establishment!

I gave no more notice

And went straight to a booth

Got Guido on the phone

And gave him the scoop.

Later that night, while my rival

Cockily strutted my streets

A large touring car approached

And three large men did he greet!

The doors opened quickly and

As the hulking figures surrounded

My rival began begging and pleading

But only silence responded!

He was quietly escorted into the car

And tires squealed as it sped from the site.

It sped on through the city, stopping once

At the pier and disappeared into the night.

There was no funeral, no tears,

No fanfare or great jubilation

As my Rival simply vanished

(I hope you get my implication)!

The Butcher

Whilst I'm here, Not-So-Big-Brother would also like to welcome Christine to the board. Christine is our final contestant...for definite this time. No more applications please. The only way in now is 'dead man's boots' or, in other words, if one of the contestants walks because of the pressure. So please, no more e-mails on that particular subject.

Christine is an American married to an Englishman, apparently...so it's anybody's guess which side of the Atlantic she represents. Still, it beats being married to a wombat...although, possibly, only just.

Welcome to the Not-So-Big-Brother Blog, Christine, and don't let these misogynist bastards give you any lip.

Good point, Dave, I should have known that it was Sedger's fault! And you are right about Kevin Coffee being a fabricated pen-name. I always thought it would create an uproar of controversy if everyone found out that I'm really Jim Davis.

I'd just like to take a moment and point out to Mr. Kevin Is-That-REALLY-Your-Name Coffee, that if it hadn't been for a Sedgwick-inspired temporal wombat infestation galloping about the space-time continuum, my *original* "Nudge-enabled" poem would have been properly posted!

Best of luck with Ms. Jolie :)

my poem ...

A BOTTLE OF SLUDGE RUINED MY SHOES GOD DAMN IT

by paul morgan

As I sat upon the window sill at my sister's summer home

My thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of a phone

As I walked to answer the call my foot became stuck in sludge

One of two bottles had fallen, the recipient of a nudge

My shoes were ruined to my chagrin as they are the only ones I got

It could have been worse, I suppose, as the other bottle was filled with snot.

thank you ... thank you very much. if the rest of you drop out after reading this cleverly crafted poem, well, i don't blame you. i'd drop out as well if i wasn't me.

---

What's with this competition?! At the risk of seen to be complaining, Not So Big Brother do we have to be locked up in a house with a cheapskate like this? Where are the prizes? Where is the undreamt of wealth? Where are the roads paved with gold? Visitors to my site get a free dinner for two with Kylie-Narelle my prize winning wombat, a free all night guided tour of my etchings gallery and unlimited use of my blow up Kevin Coffee doll. (Emergency puncture kit included)

Herewith my Magnum Opus. Please contain your plaudits and admiration for I am but a modest man cruelly endowed with too much brilliance and burdened with excess genius. The translation will show that I have met, in full measure, Not So Big Brother's anti-post modernist desire for rhyme (and you will note that to rhyme I have added "reason").

"∑βÆÞ¥Ú⊇Ó"
by Terry Sedgwick

ÆΩζΒΗβýÚØжµ
ξμÆΧšφΣ
šφΣÚØжµ
Öñς≈♥μê
ΩýƧ¥Ðµς
€≈Ô ΒΗβý snot,ΣÚ

ξμÆΧßÞÒ∞ÆΩζ
šφΣÚØжµ
Öñς≈♥μêÅßÞÒ
ΩýƧ¥Ðµς¥Ú⊇Ó
€≈ÔÅ nudge ßÞÒ∞
šφΣÚØжµ

æÊÄÛ¤Õς≈σÃǬ
∑βÆÞ¥Ú⊇Ó
óѵбΔθ phone ÕÆΨΧ
ξμÆΧßÞÒ∞ÆΩζ

Please note that to engage the interest of those who might not be able to plumb the gravitas of this oeuvre I have presented the poem in pretty colours. (Enjoy its vibrant technicoloricality Coffee, the poem's deeper meaning is quite beyond your comprehension. Trust me, it is.)

Okay, here is my poem, adhering to the task parameters, with the words "Phone", "nudge" and "snot" included. (Not that I'm being picky, but Dave MacLachlan's troll poem did not include the word "nudge" and should be disqualified immediately!) But, anyway, here we go...

This House, So Confining
by Kevin Coffee

Eyes gaze upon me like a cat's upon a mouse
No private moments in this dark and gloomy house
It will not last forever, soon I will collect the prize
Then, a return to life, I'll gaze into Ms. Jolie's eyes

Every moment here, I long to be alone
No escape from wretched souls, I cannot use the phone
Why is that Australian man always licking his lips and moaning
As he gazes out the window at imagined wombats roaming

A nudge and a wink from Morgan, it seems he's feeling frisky
Maybe I'll forget his advances after sixteen shots of whiskey
This cannot end soon enough, I no longer care if I lose
Is it all really worth it, for some scribbled snot from Brian Hughes

I make myself feel better as I think of Angelina's eyes
I almost forget that Morgan is now tenderly caressing my thighs
Suddenly, an awful sound as Joe King's arse trumpets and rips
I try to ignore the smell as I recall the taste of Angelina's lips

Soon this will be over, one will win and some will lose
The memories of this house, I'm sure will forever mentally bruise
I'm comforted that my cat's at home, safe from those here so so sick
At least she's one furry mammal, not to be mounted by Sedgwick

Hi! I managed to sneak in through the cat door after the doors closed. Didn't think Cathy should be left on her own to deal with the reprobates that pass for residents in this house. I packed my own towel, and believe me I will not be leaving it in the bathroom. In fact, I have placed it under lock and key in my room. Now, Dave, I was wondering if you had a design for those antennae. I would love to make a pair. Also, dear roomates, I would like to ask that you try not to make too much noise when you wake up in the morning, because it will be the middle of the night for me. G'night! Chris

And with that silence descended...

Apparently gas is not content in my gut, and is blown out. This gave me some inspiration for my poem, very reminiscent of old WWI war poetry, although not on a par with the Wilfred Owen's and Siegfried Sassoons of this world...

Sergeant's Brief

The ring across the trench, a line of sight As a field-phone was clanging out tonight. A nudge to Sergeant Sullivan and lo, Receiver lifted up to hear of foes.

A gas attack, some miles yonder East, Mustard yellow, snotty was the beast Of fog and mist, the choking cloud did glide, Across our lines to slaughter men inside.

The Jerries crossed the wire, and hit the line. The men had not been mask-ed up in time. With trench club, rifle, bayonet they sped Along the trenches, Britons left for dead.

A face as white as flour did emerge; The CP candle blown out with a flash. "Come on lads, now we're upon the verge: The Boche are coming, arm up, gas gas gas.

So there you go. Not great, but...

Year of the Day: 1973

Day of the Week: Monday

Day of the Day: Doris

Not-So-Big-Brother calls Dave Maclachlan to the Diary Room!

Hello Dave...Not-So-Big-Brother was very impressed by the promptness of your 'Troll' poem and its poignant imagery. Was it in any manner influenced by your stay so far in the Not-So-Big-Brother house? And are the rumours about the menage a trois between Sedgwick, Coffee and Morgan true?

Response: Well, I owe it all to the the harmonious, energizing and altogether Purple waves of Paranoia that I have been lucky enough to have tapped into, through the clever use of recycled aluminum foil as a parabolic antenna, and judicious application of Lemon Juice.

As to the rumors regarding Sedgwick, Coffee and Morgan, all I can say is that Sedgwick had better reconsider his paltry monetary offering for my keeping quiet about the whole thing ... and, the suggestion that some discrete wombat visitation would help to tide me over in the meantime is just not adequate, not by a longshot.

---

Not-So-Big-Brother: Thank you Dave. You have been most helpful. Your insight into the Sedgwick Illegal Lolita Wombat Prostitution Ring will prove most beneficial in the courts. In the meantime, thanks for your quick and courteous response. Please take a moment to enjoy the ornamental fountain in the Not-So-Big-Brother courtyard when you get a chance.

An Ode(r) To A Troll
=================================
Trolls are famous for their snot
Noses and their love of filling their pot
With gristle, toenail and bone.
Be sure to never call them on the phone!

Culinary feats of odiferous sludge
Is any of it edible? Wink, wink? Nudge, nudge?
How the Hell should I know? You be the judge!

There are trolls and there are trolls.
This is one of my favrorites.
ANON.
Not So Big Brother Comment: I am moved...as indeed are my bowels.

Not-So-Big-Brother Announcement!

Hello contestants...this is Not So Big Brother.

Thanks to the miracle of Spa-Home-Blend Scotch my gallbladder is now safely under control. However, I am slightly intoxicated, but what else is new? At least I'm rational enough (if that's possible) to set your first weekly task. As per the rules, the task must be completed and posted within seven days otherwise...well, you know the score...you're up for the eviction board. This doesn't mean you get evicted...that depends on the voting. Anyhow...here we go:

Contestants:

This week's task is to write a poem. (Sedgwick...preferably one that rhymes this time and if you produce anything even remotely similar to the big pile of garbage that you wrote for your beloved wombats you'll be up for eviction regardless.) The poem must include the following words, chosen from Roget's Thesaurus by Michelle. (I am nothing if not impartial):

"Phone", "nudge" and "snot"

(Don't blame me...) If anyone has any problems please contact me at the usual address.

In the meantime...recommended site of the week: http://www.happyglyphs.com

As this is the first week nobody will be expected to nominate their fellow housemates for eviction. (Sorry Paul.) Instead, unless something comes along to change my opinion on this matter, all the inmates will be put up on the voting board for the public to choose from. Cruel, I know...but fair I reckon. The poll will probably appear on Thursday G.M.T. (Gallbladder pending.)

In response to Cathy's question: This is normally the reserve of Sedgwick's towel.

Not-So-Big-Brother signing off.

Good luck everyone.

Hi not so big brother.....I dont want to sound like a tell tale,but this morning I walked into the bathroom and saw Paul Morgan doing what I can only describe as "flossing his buttocks" with Terry Sedgewicks clean towel.....is this normal practice or the reserve of the welsh???

Not-So-Big-Brother would like to welcome Dave and Larry to the board!

(For a while there I thought that Larry wasn't going to make it...especially seeing as he got lost in the chicken coop.)

Cellmates...in a momentary bending of the rules and, following the reaction to Cathy's appearance in the house last night, I have decided to invite one last participant to the board. With a bit of luck she will be turning up later tonight to throw a spanner in the works. But for now though...welcome Larry and Dave. I hope your stay is a pleasant one.

In the meantime, Not-So-Big-Brother is suffering from a gallbladder attack. I will return later with my thrashing stick to sort out some of these arguments! (especially the complaints against Organ Morgan!)

I'm working on that! The cement overshoes are being readied as we speak! I want to welcome Cathy, and reiterate... GET OUT!!! FOR YOUR OWN SAKE! I'M NOT JUST GIVING FRIENDLY ADVICE HERE! This is going to get nastier than it already has and I don't want to off a female. Stay and you leave me no choice!

Kill...... him....... now....... HE SCARES ME!!!!

I rest my friggin' (©S****) case! EVICT! EVICT! EVICT this cheap, flaunting, trisexual serial hussy!!!

Please don't hate me because I have nice boobies.

---

---

"Not So Big Brother" I hate sound like I'm complaining, you know me better than that, BUT how come Morgan is allowed not only to participate in outside gigs, but clean up all the moolah! He just drops down into my homeland without so much as a "how's ya father", cleans up everything and leaves with his suitcases chocker with half our government's consolidated revenue. Now there's a bloody run on the banks!!

When did he get a leave pass? Who issued it? Do we all have to turn trisexual just to be in the running for the prize here?

I have "outed" Morgan, but I will not rest until he is evicted. Should my beloved George W. be employing his prodigious intellect and unbounded diplomatic skills to protect these sort of preverts from the dark forces of turbanical evil? I just ask.

Cathy, I'd like to welcome you to The Not So Big Brother House, and before saying anything else about it I'd like to ask that you completely ignore the insane ramblings of Mr. Sedgwick in the previous post. I am a sophisticated gentleman, as opoosed to Sedgwick, who throws accusations around and is at any given moment thinking about doing unnatural, unfilmable acts with various species of Australian wildlife. Give me a chance, Cathy, and I'm sure you will find me easy to get along with. Just ask Elle MacPherson.

Hey, "Not So Big Brother"
I'm not usually one to complain as you well know, but ... what's this with letting bloody sheilas into the house!!! Mixing species is a recipe for disaster. There's NO way we can let Coffee out of the cellar now. He hasn't got his jolies off for over a week now and he's fit to burst.

"Run Cathy Run!"

Greetings and felicitations, fellow blog-fodder! Let me introduce myself - my name is Dave MacLachlan, and I'm the poor, sick, twisted person responsible for "Cloning Around" ... I'm not quite sure what to expect with this Not-So-Big-Brother thing, but it can't be nearly as bad as wading through some of the more "interesting" email comments I get from time to time :)

"The threat of aliens coming from Mars are a million to one" he said...

Working at Homebase works up a sweat, and how do I combat this? A cool, fizzy Coca Cola. Other than that, a microwaved roast dinner, and a quick sketch. Oh, that and posing for the camera in the lav as I take my pee. Beyond that, all is well.

Welcome Cathy. I wasn't actually expecting to see you on your hands and knees at all, so that statement threw me entirely. I am avoiding the mess myself, but it is difficult because between coke cans and underpants, there is going to be more and more blood as the weeks progress. I still don't know where Sedgewick's tacks were placed....

Website of the day: The Arnhem Research Society

Kitten of the day: Sputnik

Death Scene of the Day: The Nazi soldiers in "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark"

Not-So-Big-Brother note: Peter...are you being sponsored by Coca Cola?

Not So Big Brother Important Announcement!

Lady and gentlemen! The Not-So-Big-Brother doors are now closing! Please remove all extremities, moonies, boots, todgers and other articles from between them as, by the end of this announcement, they will be hermetically sealed and the room will be filled with cyanide.

 

From now on no further applicants need apply.

 

After this point all the contestants must obey the Not-So-Big-Brother rules to avoid eviction.

 

Rule 1) Every contestant must attend the diary room within two days of being summoned by e-mail to do so.

Rule 2) Every contestant must complete the task (to be set presently) within one week and post it accordingly.

Rule 3) Every contestant must post at least one 'blog' of whatever nature to this board per week.

Rule 4) No piddling in the shower room, no gratuitous money shots and no sober postings.

Rule 5) Every contestant must respond within two days when called to nominate the current week's evictees.

Rule 6) I'll be making up when I think of it.

 

Failure to comply with these rules will result in the contestant failing being put up automatically for eviction regardless of the nominations.

 

Organ Morgan...to answer your question...the voting board proper will appear sometime around this Friday. As for who appears on it will be a matter of decision for myself, as no nominations courtesy of the contestants will be expected during the first week.

 

Contestants...please enjoy the snacks provided by the house, because you won't be getting any more.

Anybody still having difficulties with the Blogging please contact me at

scragends@btinternet.com

 

The door is now sealed. Good luck everyone!

 

NOT SO BIG BROTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!

Not So Big Brother would like to welcome Cathy Smith to the board. Cathy is the first woman to enter the contest; an enigmatic female in her early thirties hailing from nobody quite knows where, although it's probably near Luton. In her spare time Cathy likes to collect roadkill, smoke pot and breed gerbils. She is currently employed as a buxom and randy barmaid and feels she's just the person to replace Jade in the Not So Big Brother overweight female stakes.

Welcome to the parlour Cathy...please get used to the toilet seat being left up. (Or, after Morgan's used it, broken.)

Hello, My name is cathy..and I thought it might be fun to join not so big brother.I see there are already a few of you in the house,hopefully we can all get along,without me having to repremand you.I am rather strict on hygene and dont expect to be on my hands and knees all day cleaning up Mr sedgewicks urine splashes from the shower tray....I look forward to talking with you all in more depth.....see you soon.... Hugs.......Cathy

Okay, Sedgers, that's very clever...putting my head into the Coffee Spill cartoon. Well done. We've all had a good laugh. But, you know, being cooped up in this smelly house, stuck in this contest, unable to leave...it makes me think of the life I've left behind in the outside world. I think of all the mornings I've awaken to look into Angelina's eyes, and to hear her tell me that "Mr. Slingblade-What's-His-Name" never made her feel so good. I'm also reminded of that weekend in San Francisco last March, and a chance encounter that led to a threesome with Gillian Anderson and Heather Locklear. Heather wanted to invite Charlie Sheen, but Gillian guessed, very rightly so, that I would be all the man they would need that night...there was no reason to invite "Charlie the John" and all the diseases he's picked up over the years from his prostitute addiction. And when I look at your little cartoon stunt down there, and think of that night with Gillian and Heather, the immense pleasure they received...well, it makes your little joke seem more than a bit off. Like a million miles or so.

And a million miles...that's how far away the real-life world seems right now. Don't worry, Ms. Jolie, Your big cup of coffee will be back as soon as this contest is over. And thinking of that time makes me realize...if anyone was really against me in this game...if they really wanted to see me suffer...how would they best go about it? It dawns on me now that the best way to punish me in this game is to keep me from the outside world, from Angelina and so many other starlets, by voting off all of the other contestants week by week.

O.K. M'Organ, the gloves are off (and I thuoght yo were my friggin' frend!)... "narcissistic" !!? ... think you might take a look in the mirror yourself! Always willing to step up to the looking glass to put myself under rigorous scrutiny, I have done so ... and I LIKE WHAT I SEE!
The chances of voting me off are just so much wishful thinking. I have my hero ♥ George W. Bush's election scrutineers from Florida ready to provide me with whatever result I demand. Eat my jokckes!!