WHO...I MEAN, WHAT...I DID THIS SUMMER

By Kevin Coffee

Not-So-Big-Brother, I have seen people write accounts of events like this before. But I never thought anything like this would happen to me. Even now, if I tell my friends or family or priest that I had sex with Britney Spears, they say "hog feathers!" Actually, that's not what the priest said. He said, "I bet she doesn't have a sweet bottom like a 4th grade altar boy!" But, anyway, here's how the amazing event happened...

I work at a CBS affiliate TV station, and every once in a while a celebrity drops by for some reason or other. In late June, I arrived at work to find everyone crowded around the lobby, and then I saw what was causing all the interest, Britney Spears was there. Apparently she had a friend in town who was related to someone at the station or something like that, and they got her to drop by for a visit. Everyone in the lobby was asking her questions about what it was like to be such a superstar. I was thinking, yeah...what's it like to be a superstar who's never displayed a single moment of real talent! I know how she got where she's at, and as I was thinking of this in a rather negative light, she suddenly turned and caught my gaze. She stopped in mid-sentence. An awkward pause that she then tried to ignore, and she went back to blabbering whatever it was she was in the middle of blabbering. Suddenly, one of the directors I work with blurted out, "Hey, Kevin! Why don't you go get your digital camera so we can have some shots of Britney! Everyone else get to work!" As the crowd started to go about their daily duties, I made my way for my office when I was halted by a hand on my shoulder.

It was Britney. "I'll come with you!" she said.

"How delightful!" I blurted back, immediately thinking that sounded really lame.

We walked to my office, all the while she asked questions about the various departments we passed and how they were involved in the daily process of running a TV station. Whatever I took the time to explain I felt was passing right through her pretty, empty head. But she nodded a lot and tried to pretend to understand. Finally in my office, I grabbed my digital camera right away.

"We can go around and get some shots with people around the station," I suggested.

Britney reached over and shut my office door."Why don't we just take some pictures in here? You have a cool office."

For some reason she then did one of her little off-balance dance moves that always makes me cringe. I was beginning to get really curious about where this was heading.

"So, what else do you do, when you're not working?" she asked.

"Well, uh...I do a cartoon on the web. I'm a web cartoonist."

I wasn't expecting any reaction at all, so I was shocked when her eyes lit up the way everyone's eyes around the station had been lighting up when they saw her for the first time. I couldn't believe the reaction.

"Whoa, Dude!" she half-shouted, "Web cartoonists are so cool! I've always wanted to meet one. I can't believe this! All I ever see is actors or singers or producers or agents. I've been going crazy trying to meet a web cartoonist!"

I had to wonder if she was joking. But before I could ask, before I could say anything she seemed to shoot across the room without her feet touching the floor and our lips locked in a hot, long kiss. She grabbed the back of my hair and ran her other hand all over my body. I knew she wouldn't be able to avoid noticing my obviously stiffening interest as her hand rubbed my crotch.

"Ooooooh! You must really like me, Big Boy!" she said. I couldn't think of a response before she dropped to her knees and expertly and swiftly unhooked my belt and dropped my pants. She smiled at the still swelling bulge in my undies and instantly pulled them down, and was startled beyond comprehension to suddenly be greeted by the sight of two fully erect penises springing up right before her face.

"Oh my god!" she shouted. "Oh my god! You've got--"

Britney didn't finish the thought, instead lurching forward and licking each of my twins. But then she stopped.

"You know who my favorite web cartoonist is?" she asked.

Great timing, I thought. Right now I couldn't possibly care less who your favorite web cartoonist is. All that matters in the world is that you shut up and get back to doing what you just started to do! "Uh...could we maybe discuss that a little later," I asked, "and get back to--"

"I really like that web cartoonist from...oh, where is he from. South America or East America or Australiany or whatever it's called. Terry. Terry Sedgwick!"

What the hell, I thought. My mind was now spinning. At the mention of Sedgwick's name my twins went instantly limp. I wanted to let it go, to try to get her attention back to the oralities. But I just couldn't.

"You mean to kneel there and tell me," I said, "that of the five or six people outside of Australia who are aware of Sedgwick's existence...that YOU'RE one of them!"

"Oh yeah!" she cooed, "I love his cartoons! He does that one called The Ferret's Eye!"

I wanted to laugh. Or shout. I was numb from the velocity that my brain was spinning around in my head.

"I've seen Terry's picture on the web before," she said, "and I think he's the coolest. I'd really like to meet him."

In complete disbelief, I still had no idea what to say, and then she suddenly blurted out, "I want you to have sex with me!"

Well, I thought, that was a disturbing, unbelievably odd detour. But at least we're back on the right track. But then she darted across the room and grabbed her purse. I was dumbfounded as she reached into it and pulled out a scraggly, greying, fake beard.

"I want you to poke me with both of your throbbing lust-tubes!" she said. "And I'm going to pretend you're Terry Sedgwick! Anyone who wants to have sex with me from now on has to put on this fake beard and pretend to be Terry Sedgwick. It's the only way I can get off. He's the only man I want!"

The rest of the experience is a blur. I barely remember putting on the beard, or the sight of her ripping her clothes off and getting on the carpet on all fours. I barely remember getting behind her and thrusting the twins into her. And unfortunately, I clearly remember her yelling "Terry! Oh my god Terry!" over and over and over. And I remember her shouting "I'm a wombat! Treat me like a dirty little wombat!"

Various station workers had seen us enter my office, and had hung around outside my door in curiosity. To this day, I can't walk through the station without someone yelling "Treat me like a dirty little wombat!"

Not-So-Big-Brother Responds: I was prepared to believe this, even the fact that Britney has been two-timing me, right up until the point where Sedgwick entered the fray. Now, in retrospect, I think we all know what you've really been up to this summer, Kevin, and believe me you'll grow hairs on your palm if you don't cut down.

Not-So-Big-Brother posting on behalf of LARRY MILLER III...who is so desperate to stay on the board that he sent me the following e-mail with a view to me posting it for him. I'm so incredibly kind and large hearted! (Must be the steroids.)

Brian:

Just got the latest photos in from the Not So Big Brother House and thought I'd share them with you....

The first is a shot of Cathy and Christine cavorting in a mud bath at the "Wombat Spa" room in the house...

and you wonder why there's not much activity on the BOARD!!!

Next photo is of that recent delivery of milk...

I'm not sure why, but Cathy is holding Paul's head down under so he get get a REALLY GOOD drink!

In any case, after this last week the fans have all begun packing up and are boarding the next train out of town....

Look out colleges!

Lastly, I'm not sure what she's trying to say, but Kevin Coffee's girlfriend walked past wearing this ...

Well. That's all I have for now. If I'm still here after the voting I'll be sending more pictures!

Not-So-Big-Brother addendum: Well...you heard what Larry just said. You know where the voting board is...

The date: Friday 23rd August, 2002

The time: Brunch

The reason: Hardcore helluvatoughness with the Bren Gun

It was a day like any other. Terry was picking and licking, Coffee was comparing sizes with Larry, and apparently Coffee was winning... badly...

I had come back from doing my house patrol. I did it every day the whole summer long. I have no idea why, I think it was either an attempt at catharsis, or just a way of keeping to my stable weight of 15 stones while also making myself super strong for all the ladies once I made my escape from the house. I could, you know, even with the Bren Gun. I mean, sling it to my back, climb up the wall, lay the beatdown on all the nasty guard robots.... booyah...

So anyways, I rested my gear, took my boots off, and sat down to some entertainment. We had locked Cathy and Christine in the room and I had carved myself a little hole to watch. Big enough for 3, so it was me, Paul and Sedgers watching the excitement. However, it was cut short....

A scream. A violent, putrid, scream of screams. Screamerific I might add.

I sprinted from the little carved room, leaving the two men watching the girls. I was going to miss out, gawd dangit... Anyway. I ran, ran like the frickin wind. And I fear to this day what I saw....

KEEP ME IN THE HOUSE TO FIND OUT EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE ONLY MEN LEFT IN THE ROOM, A BREN GUN AND SOME OF THAT SCARY CHOCOLATE!!!

Not-So-Big-Brother...just checking to see if this thing is working properly...

Not-So-Big-Brother Response to Kevin...

Firstly...if I let one person out of the house for the World's Biggest Dick contest I'll have to let you all go as I've never come across such a bunch of big dicks as I have as far as the inmates of this blog are concerned. However...I'm sure a bit of time off for good behaviour wouldn't go amiss.

Secondly...judging by the lacksadaisical blogging of the cellmates recently I suspect that the contest may have drawn to a close by Sept 16th because I'll be booting everyone of your lazy good-for-nothing bar stewards off the board long before then!

Thirdly, say hello to Guy for me and please remind him that he still owes me a fiver for the carton of Lambert and Butler I sent him. As far as attending Guy's golfing meet goes, I have actually asked him in the past to hold his tournament in Royal Lytham and St Annes...which is just up the coast from me and would be a much better venue than his usual course. Unfortunately he just made some excuse about the Amazing Kreskin being scared of flying and therefore couldn't change venue. Pathetic excuse if you ask me. He just doesn't want to coff up for those fags, that's all.

Fourthly...why take two penises into the shower when you can just take one...a regular python of a member with anti-lock brakes and revolving bellend. For more details please visit The Home of The Mighty Hughes One-Eyed Trouser Snake...and don't forget to bring a bottle and a bird.

Not-So-Big-Brother

Paul, that contest you mentioned on August 29th sounds like a lot of fun! Count me in. I always love the moment when I drop my shorts in front of a large crowd of people and get to see the look of shock on all the faces of the folks who've never seen a man with two penises. Will you let us out of the house for this "Big Dick" contest, Oh Great Big Brother? By the way, Paul, that cartoon with the nun checking out the crucifix is one of the funniest illustrations I've ever seen. Any idea who did it? Having been raised in a strict Catholic environment, that had me rolling on the floor.

King of the Wombats here Kezza. I snuck in under M'Organ's guard here and posted the picture of one of the Sisters of Perpetual Scrutiny. I snipped it off the Net. Not sure who, why, where ... could have been S**** or Hughes on a good day. Like they ever happen! :0)

Speaking of being stuck in the house, Oh Great Big Brother, I just remembered that I'm going to be out of town the week of September 16th. According to the number of contestants being voted out once a week, the contest will still be going then, I think...unless my calculations are coming out of my rear end. Anyway, I'm not assuming in any way that I won't have my sorry ass voted out by then, but if not somehow, I won't be around for pretty much a whole week. It's for a really good reason, though. I'm going to Guy Gilchrist's Mudpie Golf Outing Extravaganza, making the long drive from Indiana to Connecticut. It's going to be very cool and there's gonna be some really big-name cartoonists there. I'm really looking forward to it. Come to think of it, all the cartoonists in this house should be going to this event. No excuses about being all the way from England or Australia or, where do you live, Morgan? Bent Fork, Tennessee?

The Latest Photograph from the Not-So-Big-Brother House

As the strain sets in, Peter Cooper develops his own elitist Masonic movement, initiating a bizarre and complicated bonding ritual involving fifteen sacks of the Brussels Sprouts he detests so much and a naked flame. During the ensuing chaos only Paul Morgan survives unscathed as various testicle experts are rushed to the scene of the carnage.

"Better to light one fart than curse the darkness" - S.L. serial self immolator.

Not-So-Big-Brother says:

Thank you Sedgers for that informative and thought provoking digest. Actually a couple of lines would have done but you receive one gold star for producing a fully illustrated novel and for managing to track down the only known photographs of all my ex-girlfriends.

Also, did I detect the luscious Carol the Lesbian ex-Librarian posing as Madame Butterfly there? I knew that times were getting difficult for her now that she's out of work but...having to live in Australia? It doesn't bear thinking about..

O.K. My short essay entitled 'What I did this summer!' Actually down here this summer has yet to arrive. SO what did I do last summer?



"I know what I did last summer." INTRO PAGE..

PART ONE

PART THE END.


"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing -- when they have exhausted every possible alternative." ... Winston Churchill

Not-So-Big-Brother posting on behalf of Larry Miller the Third, who hasn't got a web-site but doesn't want to be blogged off the board...

This was recently received off Mr Miller in an e-mail:

Larry would like to make it known that if he gets any more complaints about not being entertaining enough he's going to send some more. Whilst this, no doubt, will make Barry Corbett extremely happy, the rest of us will be racing for the nearest bucket. 'Nuff said.

Oh how I hate these times...

I will not con you with foolish lies and embittered election campaigns. I will but provide one, keepable promise - should you keep me in here, I *will* take this bra off my head and return it...

In other news, here are the photos I have which I mentioned last week:

Game of the Day: playing with the kitties: Gresty, Sputnik and Becks

Sexual Position of the Day: Sex? What is this.... sex....?

Person to be voted for if you can actually vote and it all works ok (unlike here): Larry Miller the Third...

Hey Kevin, what are you doing August 29th? Do you want to sneak out of the house and win some easy money? Let me know.

---

NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER CALCULATES THE NEXT TWO PEOPLE FOR THE VOTING BOARD!

And...by my calculations the results are as follows:

Kevin Coffee...received no nominations, despite a disgraceful smear campaign by Terence bin Sedgwick.

Paul Morgan...received two nominations, which isn't nearly enough.

Christine Ashman...despite last week's attack by the other inmates only received three nominations this week.

Peter Cooper...having been quite possibly the most consistent and polite of the inmates unfortunately received a staggering four nominations.

Larry Miller the third...well, don't ask me why...consult your lawyer, Larry, ask baby Jesus, write a letter to Madame Ermentrude but don't ask me because I don't know what's going on in the minds of these people...received five big fat nominations.

Cathy Smith...regardless of her regular abuse of this board received just one nomination...and...

Terry Sedgwick received nothing...zilch...zero...the big fat 'OH'...though Christ alone knows why.

And so...this week's nominations for eviction are:

Larry Miller the Third and Peter Cooper.

The voting board by can be found for the moment, for anyone eager to get started by clicking here!

The battle between Peter and Larry for survival begins...bazookas Vs the butcher's chopper! Exciting stuff. In the meantime contestants don't forget your weekly assignment.

Thank you and sod off. Not-So-Big-Brother!

If elected, I promise a wombat in every refridgerator...

A gun against PETER COOPER'S military head (Not a bad plan, that one)...

A HOT TUB full of CHRISTINE and CATHY (although either one would probably fill it)...

IF I CAN'T WIN AGAINST THE LIKES OF TERRY SEDGWICK, THEN I DESERVE TO BE OUSTED!

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

While the rest of us were hard at work on Task 3.

Couple Arrested for Sex in Cathedral

NEW YORK (Reuters)
A couple was arraigned on Friday after they were arrested for allegedly having sex in a vestibule of St. Patrick's Cathedral while parishioners worshiped nearby.

Angelina Jolie and her boyfriend, Kevin Coffee were charged with obscenity in the third degree and public lewdness.

Another man, Paul Morgan who allegedly engaged in a live radio commentary on the sex act, also was arraigned on a charge of acting in concert with the couple.

The three were arrested on Thursday.

The couple had entered a radio contest of the WNEW afternoon talk program, "Opie and Anthony," a police spokesman said. As part of the live show, six couples were given a list of 54 different high-risk locations at which to have sex in the city, including St. Patrick's on Fifth Avenue, and nearby Rockefeller Center.

An usher observed the couple and also saw Morgan on his cell phone allegedly relaying the stunt back to the radio station, where he worked as a field producer, the police spokesman said.

Before departing in the company of a blonde haired, apple-cheeked choirboy, a spokesman for the Archdiocese of New York, called the incident, "Disgusting."

SOURCE of the story. However the perceptive will notice that the names have been changed. Arch briber Kevin Coffee, fearing a premature eviction for this unauthorised absence, is believed to parted with a large brown paper bag full of moolah to keep his name out of the papers and to cover his dirty little tracks.

AND ... I believe Mr. Coffee's passport will show that while he was AWOL he also made a trip to Milan with Ms. Jolie

"I have a dream that my four little wombats will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their fur but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day even the house of Not So Big Brother, a house sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and vote out Larry Miller the Triple and Christine Keeler-Ashram. We hold these polls to be self-evident, that all house members are not created equal."

And might I pass onto other house members "My Favorite Sites of the Week".

http://religious.as/langille/

http://crap.as/scragends/

---

FYI. This posting ends Archive 18.

Here are my eviction nominations for this week. I've spent lot of time thinking about this, almost a whole 3 seconds. For no apparent reason, I nominate:

Larry Miller III

Peter Cooper

I guess it's just not in my nature to want to get rid of the females and be stuck behind with the males...especially THESE males! Although at this point everyone in this house rubs me as being very odd and unhygenic, most notably Sedgwick, disoriented and drunk in the middle of the night, mistaking me for a wombat and waking me up in a moment of horror as he crawls into bed with me.

Too many bills? Not enough money? Don't want to work? Good news -- you don't have to .... Follow this gal's example and be DEBT FREE! (Brian - I'm surprised you didn't think of this first)

---

Hmm ... Who do I choose for eviction? Let's take a look at the remaining tenants. Oh my.

Okay, those of you with breasts, yes, that's it, those of you with breasts take one step to the left ... come on, hurry up ... Cathy, Christine, Terry. You three are safe for another week.

Who do we have left? Larry Miller III? Yep, I vote for Larry the III -- not because he voted me out just moments ago, more so because I don't understand why someone named after a stooge would want the world to know that he comes from a long line of Larry's (illogical, I realize ... I'm just trying to cover up the fact that I'm spiteful -- voting Larry out of the house for no other reason than because he voted me out).

Who else? Who's next? Ah yes ... "The Coop" .... Mr. Peter Cooper. A nice guy, for sure, but with Instant Coffee and myself currently holed up in this shed, frankly, two large throbbing peters is plenty.

---

A partial eclipse of the moon, eh? I guess I nominate Cathy and Peter.

My nominations for the week are........ Larry and Christine!!! And I am not trying to copy cathy.... no, no I am not plagi-... NO I WILL NOT BE SUED!! SHUT THE HELL UP STEPHEN AMBROSE!!! Mmhm. Anyways, thar be my nominations. Buh-bye for now, sleep be required...

Never one to be late or shy...

and just to keep things moving like a loose bowel...

my nominations for the weak (AHEM!) I mean week....

Go to the ever popular Paul Morgan

and Peter Cooper!

"Make it so, Number One!"

Hi Not So Big Brother, My nominations for this week are....Christine, because her buttocks caused a partial eclipse of the moon earlier this week, and Larry because I think he actually enjoys the advances of mighty morgan (who is still eating the chocolates by the way)

NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!

Contestants, viewers, lonely individuals with no sex lives who are up all night wandering the internet in search of porn, and Paul Morgan...all the entries for Task Number Two have been collated and grouped together in the evidence room for future examination. (Well...all of them that is apart from Christine's second depiction of Life in the Not-So-Big-Brother house which I've only just found out about...)

So...CLICK HERE to see them all in one spot.

As everybody managed to get their tasks completed on time this week, we now need nominations for the Voting Board. Again, will each contestant please select the two other contestants they most want to see banished from the building and post them here by 6 p.m. Tuesday evening G.M.T. (The time is imperative because I need to sort out the voting board.) Failure to do so...blah blah.

TASK NUMBER THREE has been decided upon and everyone has until next Tuesday evening to produce:

A short essay entitled 'What I did this summer!'

Yeah...all right...I'll try to come with something better for the fourth one.

Contestants...please get writing, post early and earn your keep. In the meantime there is lemonade in the fridge, vol-au-vents in the breadbin and blood on the toilet wall. Will whoever is responsible please clean it up. Thank you!

Not-So-Big-Brother

A sudden flashback of WHAT THEY DID WITH THE BODY!!!!! We can't find Dave because....shudder, sob, gasp, because Cathy, Larry and Morgan ATE him!

I even have the photo evidence to prove it.

I am going to put on the aluminum antennae created by the dearly departed Dave to keep them from reading my thoughts, and I am going to hide in a safe place. Like under Sedgwick's laundry pile.

I realize my doctoring skills aren't up to the rest of yours on a bad day, but you have to start somewhere, and usually the begining is a good place.

---

FYI. This posting begins Archive 18.

Life in the Not-So-Big-Brother House continues as normal:

After waking up to find her bed covered in wombat hair, Christine began to check her food more closely.

Not-So-Big-Brother Calls all the contestants to the Diary Room!

Hello ".....Christine..."! Everyone seems to have gone very quiet in the house recently. Not-So-Big-Brother would like to offer you psychological counselling and/or food if you would like some. Or would you all prefer a big stick?

Food please! I knew there was something wrong with those choclates. I'd nibble a few and the next thing I knew I whole day would have gone by, and there would be wombat hairs all over the bed. As a matter of fact, I think I may need counseling. I am suddenly getting flashbacks of ......

Not-So-Big-Brother Response: Flashbacks of...? Don't panic Christine...help is at hand. Kevin Coffee is currently in the kitchen brewing everyone a steaming broth of boot soles, boxer shorts and Sedgwick's 1984 season cricket box (took three wickets and bowled a maiden over so it's slightly soiled but saves on salt). As for the counselling...I'll be sending in Dr Morgan (P.H.6 O.M.D. D.I.C.) with his electrical shock machine to administer to your needs presently.

Not-So-Big-Brother Calls all the contestants to the Diary Room!

Hello Peter! Everyone seems to have gone very quiet in the house recently. Not-So-Big-Brother would like to offer you psychological counselling and/or food if you would like some. Or would you all prefer a big stick?

Much as though I would like to have been about, me and my beret went to war for a short while. Glad to see everything is still running smoothly mind!

If you have some rations and/or sweeties that would be superb, having not eaten in a weekend makes a man hungreh! The only trouble is... do you have a toilet pit? I hope not, having to dig a hole to take a cack every time is VERY infuriating...

Cooper: CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!

Terry: Yes?

Cooper: I have to dig a 2 foot deep hole just to go to the damned kazi!

Terry: Sounds like a problem...

Cooper: You are telling me! Now help me dig, before soiling of pants ensues

So that is my only issue. Terry's corner isn't as bad as they say, I *have* been in worse. Stoke-on-Trent for example...

Not-So-Big-Brother Responds: Thank you Peter...war is hell but the Not-So-Big-Brother House is even shittier. Your weekly allowance of a quarter of jelly bellies, three ounces of Liquorice All Sorts and five Pontefract Cakes are behind the cistern. Speaking of which, we're currently having Stoke-on-Trent towed out to sea to save you (and everyone else) any further upset (we're hoping it'll run aground off the coast of New South Wales). As for the lavatory, there's a choice. So far everyone's been using Cathy Smith as a convenience but you could always just piss on Sedgers whilst he's asleep...his beard also comes in handy as a loo-roll dispenser.

NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!

Right...that's long enough! The votes have been tallied and it's victimisation time! By an overwhelming majority, I can now reveal that the unlucky contestant who failed to make the grade this week and has now been consigned to the Not-So-Big-Brother dustbin is Dave MacLachlan!

Dave...where ever you are, you have five minutes to pack up your dirty underpants, stash your porno mags discreetly away, say your fond farewells to your inmates and then...

Get the fuck out of the house!

If you're still inside it, that is...nobody seems to know where you've actually gone.

And now, to the rousing chorus of 'OUT...OUT...OUT...You lazy BARRRRRRRSTARRRD!" the Not-So-Big-Brother House claims it's latest victim. So long David and God speed your recovery.

In the meantime, Not-So-Big-Brother would like to remind all the remaining contestants that it's nomination time again! Please get your nominations (two...as always) posted on this board by Tuesday night (6 p.m. G.M.T.) or else you'll be up for eviction too. Christine...welcome back to the land of the eternally damned...you were saved by overwhelming support there from your loyal fan-club. Everyone else...keep up the good work. And, apologies to all those viewers currently experiencing Blogspot's extremely slow downloading system. Such is life I'm afraid...

THE THIRD CONTESTANT HAS GONE...READ THE INTERVIEW BY CLICKING HERE!

---

Not-So-Big-Brother Reminder!

Ladies and gentlemen...boys and girls...and Terry Sedgwick.

There are only a couple of hours left until the Voting Board closes and the third Evictee is slung shamefully onto the street. Things are not looking good for Dave MacLachlan who, regardless of his impending fate, has failed to respond to Diary Room calls, battle to avoid eviction or helped with the washing up.

Has Dave MacLachlan followed Joe King's example and died in the house? Or was he pushed?

The last sighting of him was by Cathy Smith who witnessed him entering Paul Morgan by the back entrance last week. Since then he hasn't returned... A murder-mystery? Or just somebody who took umbrage with the contest and left without explaining why?

Find out tonight and, in the meantime, please continue to vote. The eviction takes place at 6 p.m. G.M.T., the police have been informed and the bunting is going up! It's almost EVICTION TIME!

"Swearing is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers."