---

And Coffee claims he did not spike the punch. Ha!!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small.

But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet. Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help! Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, two unemployment checks, or a month of medical insurance with COBRA, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Infielder

[ ] Outfielder

[ ] Starting Pitcher

[ ] Ace Pitcher

[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute)

[ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number: ____________________

Account Number: _____________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _____________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-F@#K-THE-FANS now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

Disclaimer: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

Lord and Lady Sedgwick grace the 1967 "Not So Big Brother Awards" with their presence.© Reuters Photography Archives.

That was a truly inspirational diatribe about American television programming, Not-So-Big-Brother. And this final vote for an ultimate winner seems to be following an on-going tradition of American politics...that being the runaway victory of the most vile, seedy candidate in the race. I'm not trying to sound like a sore loser. I know I'll still be a winner when I leave this house because Gillian and Heather are waiting to comfort me. I just wish that all these people who are accepting Sedger's bribes and giving him their votes would think about all the innocent creatures who have been so horrifically violated by him.

POINTLESS DIATRIBE OF THE WEEK!

What staggers me about American programmes is the complete lack of genuine people on them. For example, I have recently suffered the mind-numbing banality of "24" -- A groundbreaking piece of television The New Yorker...A bowlbreaking piece of shit...The Old Lancastrian -- and not once, in the whole of 24 hours, did any of the characters meet anyone old, working class, ugly, drunk or fat. Which is odd, because whenever you see Americans on the news that's how the majority of them look. And why is it that in American programmes people never lose their virginity until their at least twenty-one, unless they're in their thirties in which case they lost it when they were fifteen? And Ally McBeal? What's going on there? The only decent thing to have happened in the programme in the last series is that Dame Edna Everage has become a permanent fixture. The rest of it is crap. Terminally ill men that fly off rooftops, associates who are all neck and lower jaw and no personality, Jon Bon Jovi as a plumber, and every episode indirectly alludes to September the eleventh! That'll teach those American bastards for giving money to the IRA won't it!? Talk about the makers of the programme bending to sentimental peer group shite...they'll be flying the star spangled banner and singing God Bless Am...er...sorry wrong Blogger board.

Terry Sedgwick is way out in front on the Voting Board.

There is a wombat conspiracy taking place.

Please vote for a winner now folks! The tension is fantastic! Not in the Not-So-Big-Brother House...in Pavorotti's underpant elastic.

---

Not So Big Brother Bonus Task.

WHO IS RESPOSIBLE FOR THESE FAMOUS QOUTES?

"I have a crazy, weird sense of humor, and I can draw."

"Also, I have continued my onslaught of mailings."

'I never use any dirty, foul or offensive language. I always keep my cartoons clean and for a family audience."
Hint 1. That eliminates all non American cartoonists.

"I truly believe I inherited my artistic talent from my mom and my goofy, off-the-wall humor from my father."
Hint 2. He might have been abandoned by his parents at birth or could be an orphan. Could be the lovechild of Grandma Moses and Alan Greenspan.

"I'm 32 and this is my first time."
Hint 3. NOT Coffee. Despite his blustering braggadocio, his first time is yet to happen.

---

Coffee has a few of his sophisticated gourmet friends over for lunch in da house.

A grim reality disguised as satire.

I feel its time to come clean (oops madam!)... I am not really Cathy Smith, but in fact a 6"1 skin head with a lot of tattooes, known as the infamous Curlyratt. Sorry for any inconveniece but in the words of the Languiliners...God Bless You All ...and see you on another blogger soon....

Not-So-Big-Brother Response to a previous posting...

To sit and look and listen to ocean is an amazing reminder of God's greatness, our smallness and His amazing love for us!

Especially if you sit next to a sewerage outflow pipe.

Obviously Terry Sedgwich has an awful lot of time on his hands and just loves to post trivial garbage!

I, on the other hand, am sitting here at the phones waiting for those voters to call in. Hopefully some intellegent people have found this site and are willing to chat with someone with true integrity and wit.WELL, YOU BETTER LOOK ELSEWHERE!!!

WHAT A FEEBLE LOT I GOT SHACKED UP WITH!

Not-So Big Brother contestants leave the house on their prizes: Nice motorbikes

A bit of Blogging I same across today.

A short note about our trip to the beach. . . The day before P** went home we took a little trip to the beach. Seaside is a little beach town about 1 hour and 45 minutes from our house. The kids loved the beach. G*** and C*** both loved the water (even though it was ice cold) until G*** got knocked over by a wave and then he didn't want any part of it. However he loved digging in the sand. We could not keep C*** out of the water. She would just run into it and would cry when we took her out. I am afraid she is going to be our dare devil. By the end of the day G*** was warming up to the water again.

The power of God is so evident in all of his creation, but especially in the ocean! It is simply an "awe" thing. To sit and look and listen to ocean is an amazing reminder of God's greatness, our smallness and His amazing love for us! "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it, the whole world and all it's people belong to him. For he laid the earth's foundation on the seas and built it on the ocean's depths." Psalms 24:1

I post this in the hope and not unreasonable expectation that it will garner any good old-fashioned family value/bible belt votes out there looking for a place to land. In my heart I am an all round wonderfully compassionate, born-again in a funky sort of way, God-fearing, American-lurving, elder-respecting Icon Sans Frontieres. Unfortunately I have at times been led astray by Kevin Instant, with his promise of fame, fortune and 24/7 access to his cast off starlets. (Each and every one of his promises proving to be another hollow Instant disappointment.)

Just in time (before voting closes) I have discovered my caring sharing inner self. If YOU care ... share your vote with me. If you don't I'll friggin' © S. L. feed your eyeballs to the cockroaches.
(I can only keep this niceguy shit up for so long.)

O.K. Coffee THIS is your next task. Are you and your twins up to the challenge?

Community Service Announcement.

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following WARNING labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

I lied this was not a Community Service Announcement, merely a gratuitous, mindless posting ... because I can.

silence is deafening...

NEW AND IMPROVED NSBBH EAR DEFENDERS!!!!

Drowns out silence and Larry Miller with music of your choice, violent screams or, for an additional £9.95 wombat cooes!

Listen and laugh as Paul gets beaten up by Cathy to some light Wagner or Bach. Fart in joy as Terry dances in the corner to wombat chirping HE CANNOT HEAR! Giggle with hysteria as Peter Cooper trundles about with his 50 inch weapon while violent screams and apocalyptical curses follow his every move!

Available for a bargain £26.95 plus P&P

Not-So-Big-Brother Posting on behalf of

Cathy Smith...who has sent me this pleasant little photograph entitled simply:

My Summer...

I'm told on good authority that Paul Morgan is in fact a dwarf...thought I'd better mention that before the authorities mistakenly attempt to move in...

QUIET?!?!

IT'S DOWN RIGHT COMATOSE!Did Terry Sedgwick clean out the bathroom, or have wombat droppings finally caused the house to completely pass out? (it couldn't possibly been that trash can drinking party that Paul threw last night....) OUR FINAL WEEK TOGETHER LADIES! PETER COOPER SAYS; "PUT OUT OR GET OUT!"

(and don't sweat it gals, Kevin Coffee says he'll take care of Peter!)

Wow! It is suspiciously quiet in here. I am sure they are all gathered together in the common room plotting against me. As I have done all summer, except during the dread chocolate incident, I am hiding in my room, wearing my thought protecting helmet. I am subsisting exclusively on rainwater that I collect in a glass on the window sill, and fungus which I grow under the bed. I am safe as long as at least one of my body parts remains in contact with the bed at all times. I have decided to begin planning for life after Not-So-Big Brother, so I am looking at the want ads. I saw this one today. I am wondering where I get the intelligence license (and how difficult the test is). "Licenced intelligent person to fit with friendly family-owned rental staff. Will train w/winning strategies "

Not-So-Big-Brother Announcement...so shut up and listen!

Okay folks...the FINAL VOTING BOARD is up and running. CLICK HERE! to cast your vote and remember...this week you're voting for who you want to win, not for the next person to be evicted. So choose carefully and vote hard!

To guarantee a free, fair and honest election "Not So Big Brother" has engaged the services of legendary election consultants Robert Mugabe, Slobodan Milosevic and Papa Doc Duvalier.

Consequent upon advice from these icons of the democratic process, the following candidates are offering these outrageous bribes and threats to bolster their electoral chances.

KEVIN COFFEE.
"An all expenses paid night at my bachelor pad for all who vote for me. Two nights for those who don't."

CATHY SMITH.
"A lifetime of free calls to my 1-900 "You Know You Want Me Big Boy Tele-Relief Call Centre". Free access to my Web Cam for every 100th voter."

CHRISTINE ASHMAN.
"A shipping container full of my used crutchless sox to every voter."

PETER COOPER
"Vote for me to receive a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a rifle range test dummy. Blindfolds and last meal requests from an extensive haute cuisine menu provided."

LARRY MILLER 111
"I'm a man of principle and refuse to get drawn into this tawdry auction for votes. However fail to vote for me and the next fully ballistic disgruntled postal worker will be given your address."

TERRY SEDGWICK
"Now I shall just rest on my laurels and wait for wave upon wave of adoring fans to provide me with a well deserved landslide victory. But to make a monty of it, free bottles of "Sedgwick Wombat Holy Water" (known to cure piles, the pox and inverted nipples) to every voter and their issue for the next 10 generations."

PAUL MORGAN.
"A plaster casting of m' organ for every voter. Bonsai afficionadoes get your votes in early and often!"

Not-So-Big-Brother Eviction Time!

Yes...it's that time of the week again folks...and this week the voting has been very close indeed! Almost too close to call...but Peter Cooper faired marginally better than Larry Miller the Third which means that it's time to string Larry up by his goolies and catapult him out of the house using Sedgwick's jockstrap as the slingshot!

HOWEVER!!!

Not-So-Big-Brother suspects that cheating has been taking place on the voting board. And I can't help noticing how little people are actually blogging these days. Very disappointing contestants! In fact the obvious lack of interest has become as transparent as an American Movie plot...or Oprah Winfrey's tightly stretched knickers...therefore I have decided to bring this nonsense to an end once and for all.

Both Larry Miller and Peter Cooper shall remain on the board for one more week whilst a winner is chosen from the sad reprobates left in the house. I shall be creating a new Voting Board shortly and this time it'll be for the over-all winner. No more voting off...no more malicious evil doings...just a simple straight forward vote to see who wins and then I can get back to something more interesting, such as clipping the honeysuckle or punishing snails.

New voting board to be established soon.

In the meantime, would all the remaining contestants please send me their snail-mail addresses so that I can send them their prizes. Not-So-Big-Brother is a merciful God and even if you don't win, so long as you've taken part (and sent me your snail-addy) you will receive lots of Spam in the future a parting gift.

Time to blog the final week contestants! Let's make it a good 'un!