Duey, Cheatum, and Howe, Attorneys at Law acting for Akbar Turkmenbashi, the Great Leader of All Turkmen, aka President Saparmurat Niyazov Dear R. Dorthway and Pallbearer Scrotumblossom III, Akbar Turkmenbashi, President for Life, of Turkmenistan, has outlawed aging. A brief description of his decree follows: Stages of the life of a Turkmen 0-12: childhood 13-25: adolescence 25-37: youth 37-49: maturity 49-61: prophetic 61-73: inspirational 73-85: wisdom 85-97: old age 97-109: Oguzkhan Please cease and desist in your frivolous claims, as it is evident that your clients have reached the enviable stage of Oguzkan, the great leader who founded Turkmenistan in 5000 B.C. Yours, Ann Howe, Esq.

Tallywacker, Bungholefluff and St. John-Wingin-Fester Inc. Attornies at Law acting for Howard R. Ageile.

Dear R. Dorthway,

It has fallen to our interests to defend the 'Howard R. Ageile' refered to in your previous posting as being the inventor behind the Aging Process. Our client informs us that you have in fact got hold of the wrong man. Aging was instigated first as a recreational pursuit and then as compulsory discipline by the Vatican shortly after Adam and Eve were expelled from Fleetwood. Pope Joan herself laid the charge of producing the 'Aging Treatement' to atone for people's original sins, squarely at the feet of a Mr Arthur Jing of Southwark Rd, Detroit. It was after this gentleman that the now recognisably dangerous process takes its name and countless lawsuits have been brought against him by such luminaries as the present Pope himself, whose addiction has left him withered, decrepid, diminished and with a distressing belief that he is the 'Mouthpiece of God'. Other celebrities who have suffered horribly with Arthur Jing's radical treatment for mental instability are the Queen Mum, whose teeth turned brown, whose head shrivelled to the size of a conker and who finally succumed to an overdose early last year.

Fortunately help is at hand, and a clinic has now been set up to help those afflicted with this horendous disorder. Sir Cliff Richards, the ageless Peter Pan of abstinence, runs daily self-help groups (in which he helps himself on a regular basis) and isn't homosexual. (No way! He's a man of God as his albums clearly show and his live-in friend does not feed his trouser snake up the left hand side of Cliff's 'Y' fronts and into his rectum every night.)

Anyhow...please amend your criticism of our client immediately or we shall be forced to publish the photographs.

Yours etc,

Pallbearer Scrotumblossom III (potential litigater)

FLORIDA BASED LAWYER REPRESENTING PAUL MORGAN DEMANDS RECOUNT

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OK, this auction (Country/Region United Kingdom /Bristol. ) is on behalf of my husband who is auctioning tattoo space on his penis, the winning bidder gets their design / message / logo tattooed on his penis, with the following provisos. a/ If it is a copyright or trademark the winning bidder must be the undisputed registered copyright / trademark holder. b/ The winning bidder does not have any automatic right to photograph the finished article or use said photograph, and any such promotional usage to be negotiated by separate agreement. Failing mutual agreement no photographs shall be taken. c/ He reserves the right to choose the tattooist (for reasons of health / safety) and the right to refuse certain inks / colours on the grounds of health / safety e/ He reserves the right to refuse designs that he considers offensive, immoral, or objectionable. f/ In addition to the bid fee, the auction winner pays all his expenses including any incurred by any of the above clauses. g/ No tattooing will commence until he has been paid in full and monies are cleared in his bank. h/ No refunds will be given under any circumstances with the sole exception of his refusing to have the tattoo applied. i/ He reserves the right to have the tattoo removed at his own expense, if he so chooses, after a period of not less than 24 months, medical reasons notwithstanding. j/ The tattoo will be confined to the exterior skin only, not the glans. k/ The auction winner may at their option use one buttock instead of his penis, both buttocks = 50% surcharge. l/ make him a REALLY good offer, and if he likes the product / design, you can use his entire body except hands / feet / face. m/ buyer pays all ebay fees and commissions. This isn't a wind up. If you have any questions please ask, all questions will be answered by my husband and not me 'cos it is his penis after all :-)

Coffee ... with your unnatural advantage you could make a killing in this market!!!

Not-So-Big-Brother Latest Photograph!

Terry Sedgwick celebrates his triumph with three old tarts...

...and some naked women.

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CNN Breaking Wind News

Later, much to the chagrin of Mr. Brian Hughes who was unable to attend the celebration on account of his suicide bombing assignment targeting the Dowager Widdicombe, the party REALLY started to hum !!!

Cartoonist having a good time ... has to be seen to be believed!!

A bag containing the remains of Mr Hughes arrived some time after midnight, and upon seeing the delightful Jade took up its bed and walked. "It's a miracle!" Hughes cried "I can see again" Several hours later Hughes was again declared legally blind. A combination of his zealous downing of 15 gallons of Koyigami single malt and the frenetic palmistry that always follows his sightings of Jade.

Dear Mr. Dorthway

Thank you for your notice. Whilst I appreciate your wonderfully humanitarian/Christian concern I must pass up your offer. The allegedly "present day photos" previously posted on this blog have been digitally manipulated. Underneath those bearded, wrinkled pixels my strikingly handsome, youthful visage still exists laying waste in the aisles comely maidens overcome by the vision of this ageless Adonis.

Terry, please let me know how I can get in touch with you.

Sadly I am unable (other than posting here where I know I am safe as no one knows this place exists) to apprise you of my whereabouts, other than that I am in a safe house at 40 Lebanon St. Strathmore Vic. Australia. 3041.

My disguise, as evidenced by the "present day photos", is part the deal that was struck with the FBI to protect me from a vicious group of organised "Born Again" atheists who are currently banged up in a Texas jail. They are incredibly vengeful. Not for the fact that I stoolied on them, but because they have no escape from the daily visit by the prison chaplin, the very Rev. Setev from "The Church of The Litter Day Stains". They are currently petitioning the Governor to expedite their executions.

So you might appreciate why I must decline your gracious and generous offer, which I calculate (on the basis of your usual 90% of the damages fee) unfortunately leaves you $76.5 million out of pocket.

Yours sincerely,
Terry Sedgwick.
(Former CEO Dorian Gray Inc.)

P.S. Best wishes with your present case Mr. Keith Richards v Mr. Howard R. Ageile.

Greetings, my name is Ronald Dorthway. I am a lawyer currently practicing in Southern California. My law firm of Dorthway, Halibut and Crown Molding are very interested in representing Mr. Terry Sedgwick in what my firm views as an open and shut case -- easy money, if you will.

I happened upon this blog quite by accident. Sunday is my day off and with the wife and kids out of town, I thought I would surf the Internet in my never-ending search for an African American male with a small penis. Using the Goggle search engine I typed in the phrase "Not so big brotha" -- and low and behold, up popped your blog.

I was absolutely shocked by the photos of Terry Sedgwick ... photos that depicted Mr. Sedgwick as a young man in 1967 and the present day photos previously posted on your blog. I am proposing that we file a $85,000,000 million dollar lawsuit against the estate of Howard R. Ageile -- the man who invented aging. Obviously Terry Sedgwick has been ravaged by Mr. Ageile's invention. If you look at the photos posted above, I think you will agree ... easy money. VERY easy money.

Terry, please let me know how I can get in touch with you. It's imperative that we file the suit as soon as possible before more irreversible damage is done.

Sincerely,

R. Dorthway

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NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER

FINAL RESULT!

Yes, it might only be just turned five in the afternoon here in Blighty but, quite frankly, there's no point in dragging this horrible, diseased contest on any longer. As much as it pains me to admit this, Terence bin Sedgwick, tickler-of-Lolita-wombats, purveyor of dungaree-wearing lesbians, smart-arse cobber and cork-hat wearer, feral-eyed denizen of the bush, custard-stroking, belly-wielding, vote-rigging legend in his own lunchtime has quite obviously won by an horrendous margin and an equally horrendous beard!

One question only has yet to be answered...

WHY IN GOD'S NAME? WHY!?

It now remains for me to call upon Terry Judas Isambard Kingdom Sedgwick to gracelessly collect his winnings...as agreed in the opening paragraph of this vile contest many months ago. So, Sedgwick, the three fabulous, priceless, meritless adornments are yours for the taking. You have thirty seconds from now to send me your home address, otherwise I'll be forced to donate all three of them to the Baseball Players Association.

In the meantime, I would like to thank all of the other contestants, both living and dead, for wasting so much of their valuable time posting insults about each other and, somewhat bizarrely, so little of their valuable time in actually voting. I would also like to thank the delicious Jade, without whose heavenly image visiting this board for the last few weeks would have been even more nightmarish than it actually was. And, of course, I'd like to thank our viewer, without whose loyal support and private funding this contest would never have happened and so many tragic events would never have been recorded for prosperity.

Terry...send me your snail-address please.

Everyone else, you have 24 hours to pack your bags, hide your dirty undies, bury the bodies of Joe King and Roger Delgardo where the police won't find them, settle your lawsuits, indulge in plastic surgery and then...GET OUT OF THE HOUSE YOU LOSERS!

Not-So-Big-Brother.

Not-So-Big-Brother Reminder!

Contestants, viewers, wombats-trained-in-the-art-of-mass-voting etc, there are now only a handfull of hours left before the Final Voting Board closes once and for all. Having just taken a look at what's going on, quite obviously some of you out there are working under a misapprehension. This is the voting board to find the over-all WINNER! Judging by the phenomenal amount of votes that Sedgwick's been receiving obviously most of you still think the idea is to vote off the next victim!

Well...it looks as though it's too late now. But please continue to cast your votes anyhow. There's still a million to one chance that a decent human-being might win and not some kangeroo-bumming, satan-bearded, gay Australian wombat-sniffer with a micro-knob with a penchant for dealing in third-rate, dodgy lesbians.

The doors close at 6 p.m. G.M.T. I'm off to church to pray for a miracle/God's mighty venegance to be smited upon Oz.

The "Not So Big Brother" caterers have arrived. Any one for a strawberry and chocolate slurpee?