Duey, Cheatum, and Howe, Attorneys at Law acting for Akbar Turkmenbashi, the Great Leader of All Turkmen, aka President Saparmurat Niyazov Dear R. Dorthway and Pallbearer Scrotumblossom III, Akbar Turkmenbashi, President for Life, of Turkmenistan, has outlawed aging. A brief description of his decree follows: Stages of the life of a Turkmen 0-12: childhood 13-25: adolescence 25-37: youth 37-49: maturity 49-61: prophetic 61-73: inspirational 73-85: wisdom 85-97: old age 97-109: Oguzkhan Please cease and desist in your frivolous claims, as it is evident that your clients have reached the enviable stage of Oguzkan, the great leader who founded Turkmenistan in 5000 B.C. Yours, Ann Howe, Esq.

Tallywacker, Bungholefluff and St. John-Wingin-Fester Inc. Attornies at Law acting for Howard R. Ageile.

Dear R. Dorthway,

It has fallen to our interests to defend the 'Howard R. Ageile' refered to in your previous posting as being the inventor behind the Aging Process. Our client informs us that you have in fact got hold of the wrong man. Aging was instigated first as a recreational pursuit and then as compulsory discipline by the Vatican shortly after Adam and Eve were expelled from Fleetwood. Pope Joan herself laid the charge of producing the 'Aging Treatement' to atone for people's original sins, squarely at the feet of a Mr Arthur Jing of Southwark Rd, Detroit. It was after this gentleman that the now recognisably dangerous process takes its name and countless lawsuits have been brought against him by such luminaries as the present Pope himself, whose addiction has left him withered, decrepid, diminished and with a distressing belief that he is the 'Mouthpiece of God'. Other celebrities who have suffered horribly with Arthur Jing's radical treatment for mental instability are the Queen Mum, whose teeth turned brown, whose head shrivelled to the size of a conker and who finally succumed to an overdose early last year.

Fortunately help is at hand, and a clinic has now been set up to help those afflicted with this horendous disorder. Sir Cliff Richards, the ageless Peter Pan of abstinence, runs daily self-help groups (in which he helps himself on a regular basis) and isn't homosexual. (No way! He's a man of God as his albums clearly show and his live-in friend does not feed his trouser snake up the left hand side of Cliff's 'Y' fronts and into his rectum every night.)

Anyhow...please amend your criticism of our client immediately or we shall be forced to publish the photographs.

Yours etc,

Pallbearer Scrotumblossom III (potential litigater)

FLORIDA BASED LAWYER REPRESENTING PAUL MORGAN DEMANDS RECOUNT

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OK, this auction (Country/Region United Kingdom /Bristol. ) is on behalf of my husband who is auctioning tattoo space on his penis, the winning bidder gets their design / message / logo tattooed on his penis, with the following provisos. a/ If it is a copyright or trademark the winning bidder must be the undisputed registered copyright / trademark holder. b/ The winning bidder does not have any automatic right to photograph the finished article or use said photograph, and any such promotional usage to be negotiated by separate agreement. Failing mutual agreement no photographs shall be taken. c/ He reserves the right to choose the tattooist (for reasons of health / safety) and the right to refuse certain inks / colours on the grounds of health / safety e/ He reserves the right to refuse designs that he considers offensive, immoral, or objectionable. f/ In addition to the bid fee, the auction winner pays all his expenses including any incurred by any of the above clauses. g/ No tattooing will commence until he has been paid in full and monies are cleared in his bank. h/ No refunds will be given under any circumstances with the sole exception of his refusing to have the tattoo applied. i/ He reserves the right to have the tattoo removed at his own expense, if he so chooses, after a period of not less than 24 months, medical reasons notwithstanding. j/ The tattoo will be confined to the exterior skin only, not the glans. k/ The auction winner may at their option use one buttock instead of his penis, both buttocks = 50% surcharge. l/ make him a REALLY good offer, and if he likes the product / design, you can use his entire body except hands / feet / face. m/ buyer pays all ebay fees and commissions. This isn't a wind up. If you have any questions please ask, all questions will be answered by my husband and not me 'cos it is his penis after all :-)

Coffee ... with your unnatural advantage you could make a killing in this market!!!

Not-So-Big-Brother Latest Photograph!

Terry Sedgwick celebrates his triumph with three old tarts...

...and some naked women.

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CNN Breaking Wind News

Later, much to the chagrin of Mr. Brian Hughes who was unable to attend the celebration on account of his suicide bombing assignment targeting the Dowager Widdicombe, the party REALLY started to hum !!!

Cartoonist having a good time ... has to be seen to be believed!!

A bag containing the remains of Mr Hughes arrived some time after midnight, and upon seeing the delightful Jade took up its bed and walked. "It's a miracle!" Hughes cried "I can see again" Several hours later Hughes was again declared legally blind. A combination of his zealous downing of 15 gallons of Koyigami single malt and the frenetic palmistry that always follows his sightings of Jade.