NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER

FINAL RESULT!

Yes, it might only be just turned five in the afternoon here in Blighty but, quite frankly, there's no point in dragging this horrible, diseased contest on any longer. As much as it pains me to admit this, Terence bin Sedgwick, tickler-of-Lolita-wombats, purveyor of dungaree-wearing lesbians, smart-arse cobber and cork-hat wearer, feral-eyed denizen of the bush, custard-stroking, belly-wielding, vote-rigging legend in his own lunchtime has quite obviously won by an horrendous margin and an equally horrendous beard!

One question only has yet to be answered...

WHY IN GOD'S NAME? WHY!?

It now remains for me to call upon Terry Judas Isambard Kingdom Sedgwick to gracelessly collect his winnings...as agreed in the opening paragraph of this vile contest many months ago. So, Sedgwick, the three fabulous, priceless, meritless adornments are yours for the taking. You have thirty seconds from now to send me your home address, otherwise I'll be forced to donate all three of them to the Baseball Players Association.

In the meantime, I would like to thank all of the other contestants, both living and dead, for wasting so much of their valuable time posting insults about each other and, somewhat bizarrely, so little of their valuable time in actually voting. I would also like to thank the delicious Jade, without whose heavenly image visiting this board for the last few weeks would have been even more nightmarish than it actually was. And, of course, I'd like to thank our viewer, without whose loyal support and private funding this contest would never have happened and so many tragic events would never have been recorded for prosperity.

Terry...send me your snail-address please.

Everyone else, you have 24 hours to pack your bags, hide your dirty undies, bury the bodies of Joe King and Roger Delgardo where the police won't find them, settle your lawsuits, indulge in plastic surgery and then...GET OUT OF THE HOUSE YOU LOSERS!

Not-So-Big-Brother.