By Kevin Coffee
I work at a CBS affiliate TV station, and every once in a while a celebrity drops by for some reason or other. In late June, I arrived at work to find everyone crowded around the lobby, and then I saw what was causing all the interest, Britney Spears was there. Apparently she had a friend in town who was related to someone at the station or something like that, and they got her to drop by for a visit. Everyone in the lobby was asking her questions about what it was like to be such a superstar. I was thinking, yeah...what's it like to be a superstar who's never displayed a single moment of real talent! I know how she got where she's at, and as I was thinking of this in a rather negative light, she suddenly turned and caught my gaze. She stopped in mid-sentence. An awkward pause that she then tried to ignore, and she went back to blabbering whatever it was she was in the middle of blabbering. Suddenly, one of the directors I work with blurted out, "Hey, Kevin! Why don't you go get your digital camera so we can have some shots of Britney! Everyone else get to work!" As the crowd started to go about their daily duties, I made my way for my office when I was halted by a hand on my shoulder.
It was Britney. "I'll come with you!" she said.
"How delightful!" I blurted back, immediately thinking that sounded really lame.
We walked to my office, all the while she asked questions about the various departments we passed and how they were involved in the daily process of running a TV station. Whatever I took the time to explain I felt was passing right through her pretty, empty head. But she nodded a lot and tried to pretend to understand. Finally in my office, I grabbed my digital camera right away.
"We can go around and get some shots with people around the station," I suggested.
Britney reached over and shut my office door."Why don't we just take some pictures in here? You have a cool office."
For some reason she then did one of her little off-balance dance moves that always makes me cringe. I was beginning to get really curious about where this was heading.
"So, what else do you do, when you're not working?" she asked.
"Well, uh...I do a cartoon on the web. I'm a web cartoonist."
I wasn't expecting any reaction at all, so I was shocked when her eyes lit up the way everyone's eyes around the station had been lighting up when they saw her for the first time. I couldn't believe the reaction.
"Whoa, Dude!" she half-shouted, "Web cartoonists are so cool! I've always wanted to meet one. I can't believe this! All I ever see is actors or singers or producers or agents. I've been going crazy trying to meet a web cartoonist!"
I had to wonder if she was joking. But before I could ask, before I could say anything she seemed to shoot across the room without her feet touching the floor and our lips locked in a hot, long kiss. She grabbed the back of my hair and ran her other hand all over my body. I knew she wouldn't be able to avoid noticing my obviously stiffening interest as her hand rubbed my crotch.
"Ooooooh! You must really like me, Big Boy!" she said. I couldn't think of a response before she dropped to her knees and expertly and swiftly unhooked my belt and dropped my pants. She smiled at the still swelling bulge in my undies and instantly pulled them down, and was startled beyond comprehension to suddenly be greeted by the sight of two fully erect penises springing up right before her face.
"Oh my god!" she shouted. "Oh my god! You've got--"
Britney didn't finish the thought, instead lurching forward and licking each of my twins. But then she stopped.
"You know who my favorite web cartoonist is?" she asked.
Great timing, I thought. Right now I couldn't possibly care less who your favorite web cartoonist is. All that matters in the world is that you shut up and get back to doing what you just started to do! "Uh...could we maybe discuss that a little later," I asked, "and get back to--"
"I really like that web cartoonist from...oh, where is he from. South America or East America or Australiany or whatever it's called. Terry. Terry Sedgwick!"
What the hell, I thought. My mind was now spinning. At the mention of Sedgwick's name my twins went instantly limp. I wanted to let it go, to try to get her attention back to the oralities. But I just couldn't.
"You mean to kneel there and tell me," I said, "that of the five or six people outside of Australia who are aware of Sedgwick's existence...that YOU'RE one of them!"
"Oh yeah!" she cooed, "I love his cartoons! He does that one called The Ferret's Eye!"
I wanted to laugh. Or shout. I was numb from the velocity that my brain was spinning around in my head.
"I've seen Terry's picture on the web before," she said, "and I think he's the coolest. I'd really like to meet him."
In complete disbelief, I still had no idea what to say, and then she suddenly blurted out, "I want you to have sex with me!"
Well, I thought, that was a disturbing, unbelievably odd detour. But at least we're back on the right track. But then she darted across the room and grabbed her purse. I was dumbfounded as she reached into it and pulled out a scraggly, greying, fake beard.
"I want you to poke me with both of your throbbing lust-tubes!" she said. "And I'm going to pretend you're Terry Sedgwick! Anyone who wants to have sex with me from now on has to put on this fake beard and pretend to be Terry Sedgwick. It's the only way I can get off. He's the only man I want!"
The rest of the experience is a blur. I barely remember putting on the beard, or the sight of her ripping her clothes off and getting on the carpet on all fours. I barely remember getting behind her and thrusting the twins into her. And unfortunately, I clearly remember her yelling "Terry! Oh my god Terry!" over and over and over. And I remember her shouting "I'm a wombat! Treat me like a dirty little wombat!"
Various station workers had seen us enter my office, and had hung around outside my door in curiosity. To this day, I can't walk through the station without someone yelling "Treat me like a dirty little wombat!"
Not-So-Big-Brother Responds: I was prepared to believe this, even the fact that Britney has been two-timing me, right up until the point where Sedgwick entered the fray. Now, in retrospect, I think we all know what you've really been up to this summer, Kevin, and believe me you'll grow hairs on your palm if you don't cut down.
