Duey, Cheatum, and Howe, Attorneys at Law acting for Akbar Turkmenbashi, the Great Leader of All Turkmen, aka President Saparmurat Niyazov Dear R. Dorthway and Pallbearer Scrotumblossom III, Akbar Turkmenbashi, President for Life, of Turkmenistan, has outlawed aging. A brief description of his decree follows: Stages of the life of a Turkmen 0-12: childhood 13-25: adolescence 25-37: youth 37-49: maturity 49-61: prophetic 61-73: inspirational 73-85: wisdom 85-97: old age 97-109: Oguzkhan Please cease and desist in your frivolous claims, as it is evident that your clients have reached the enviable stage of Oguzkan, the great leader who founded Turkmenistan in 5000 B.C. Yours, Ann Howe, Esq.

Tallywacker, Bungholefluff and St. John-Wingin-Fester Inc. Attornies at Law acting for Howard R. Ageile.

Dear R. Dorthway,

It has fallen to our interests to defend the 'Howard R. Ageile' refered to in your previous posting as being the inventor behind the Aging Process. Our client informs us that you have in fact got hold of the wrong man. Aging was instigated first as a recreational pursuit and then as compulsory discipline by the Vatican shortly after Adam and Eve were expelled from Fleetwood. Pope Joan herself laid the charge of producing the 'Aging Treatement' to atone for people's original sins, squarely at the feet of a Mr Arthur Jing of Southwark Rd, Detroit. It was after this gentleman that the now recognisably dangerous process takes its name and countless lawsuits have been brought against him by such luminaries as the present Pope himself, whose addiction has left him withered, decrepid, diminished and with a distressing belief that he is the 'Mouthpiece of God'. Other celebrities who have suffered horribly with Arthur Jing's radical treatment for mental instability are the Queen Mum, whose teeth turned brown, whose head shrivelled to the size of a conker and who finally succumed to an overdose early last year.

Fortunately help is at hand, and a clinic has now been set up to help those afflicted with this horendous disorder. Sir Cliff Richards, the ageless Peter Pan of abstinence, runs daily self-help groups (in which he helps himself on a regular basis) and isn't homosexual. (No way! He's a man of God as his albums clearly show and his live-in friend does not feed his trouser snake up the left hand side of Cliff's 'Y' fronts and into his rectum every night.)

Anyhow...please amend your criticism of our client immediately or we shall be forced to publish the photographs.

Yours etc,

Pallbearer Scrotumblossom III (potential litigater)

FLORIDA BASED LAWYER REPRESENTING PAUL MORGAN DEMANDS RECOUNT

---

OK, this auction (Country/Region United Kingdom /Bristol. ) is on behalf of my husband who is auctioning tattoo space on his penis, the winning bidder gets their design / message / logo tattooed on his penis, with the following provisos. a/ If it is a copyright or trademark the winning bidder must be the undisputed registered copyright / trademark holder. b/ The winning bidder does not have any automatic right to photograph the finished article or use said photograph, and any such promotional usage to be negotiated by separate agreement. Failing mutual agreement no photographs shall be taken. c/ He reserves the right to choose the tattooist (for reasons of health / safety) and the right to refuse certain inks / colours on the grounds of health / safety e/ He reserves the right to refuse designs that he considers offensive, immoral, or objectionable. f/ In addition to the bid fee, the auction winner pays all his expenses including any incurred by any of the above clauses. g/ No tattooing will commence until he has been paid in full and monies are cleared in his bank. h/ No refunds will be given under any circumstances with the sole exception of his refusing to have the tattoo applied. i/ He reserves the right to have the tattoo removed at his own expense, if he so chooses, after a period of not less than 24 months, medical reasons notwithstanding. j/ The tattoo will be confined to the exterior skin only, not the glans. k/ The auction winner may at their option use one buttock instead of his penis, both buttocks = 50% surcharge. l/ make him a REALLY good offer, and if he likes the product / design, you can use his entire body except hands / feet / face. m/ buyer pays all ebay fees and commissions. This isn't a wind up. If you have any questions please ask, all questions will be answered by my husband and not me 'cos it is his penis after all :-)

Coffee ... with your unnatural advantage you could make a killing in this market!!!

Not-So-Big-Brother Latest Photograph!

Terry Sedgwick celebrates his triumph with three old tarts...

...and some naked women.

---

CNN Breaking Wind News

Later, much to the chagrin of Mr. Brian Hughes who was unable to attend the celebration on account of his suicide bombing assignment targeting the Dowager Widdicombe, the party REALLY started to hum !!!

Cartoonist having a good time ... has to be seen to be believed!!

A bag containing the remains of Mr Hughes arrived some time after midnight, and upon seeing the delightful Jade took up its bed and walked. "It's a miracle!" Hughes cried "I can see again" Several hours later Hughes was again declared legally blind. A combination of his zealous downing of 15 gallons of Koyigami single malt and the frenetic palmistry that always follows his sightings of Jade.

Dear Mr. Dorthway

Thank you for your notice. Whilst I appreciate your wonderfully humanitarian/Christian concern I must pass up your offer. The allegedly "present day photos" previously posted on this blog have been digitally manipulated. Underneath those bearded, wrinkled pixels my strikingly handsome, youthful visage still exists laying waste in the aisles comely maidens overcome by the vision of this ageless Adonis.

Terry, please let me know how I can get in touch with you.

Sadly I am unable (other than posting here where I know I am safe as no one knows this place exists) to apprise you of my whereabouts, other than that I am in a safe house at 40 Lebanon St. Strathmore Vic. Australia. 3041.

My disguise, as evidenced by the "present day photos", is part the deal that was struck with the FBI to protect me from a vicious group of organised "Born Again" atheists who are currently banged up in a Texas jail. They are incredibly vengeful. Not for the fact that I stoolied on them, but because they have no escape from the daily visit by the prison chaplin, the very Rev. Setev from "The Church of The Litter Day Stains". They are currently petitioning the Governor to expedite their executions.

So you might appreciate why I must decline your gracious and generous offer, which I calculate (on the basis of your usual 90% of the damages fee) unfortunately leaves you $76.5 million out of pocket.

Yours sincerely,
Terry Sedgwick.
(Former CEO Dorian Gray Inc.)

P.S. Best wishes with your present case Mr. Keith Richards v Mr. Howard R. Ageile.

Greetings, my name is Ronald Dorthway. I am a lawyer currently practicing in Southern California. My law firm of Dorthway, Halibut and Crown Molding are very interested in representing Mr. Terry Sedgwick in what my firm views as an open and shut case -- easy money, if you will.

I happened upon this blog quite by accident. Sunday is my day off and with the wife and kids out of town, I thought I would surf the Internet in my never-ending search for an African American male with a small penis. Using the Goggle search engine I typed in the phrase "Not so big brotha" -- and low and behold, up popped your blog.

I was absolutely shocked by the photos of Terry Sedgwick ... photos that depicted Mr. Sedgwick as a young man in 1967 and the present day photos previously posted on your blog. I am proposing that we file a $85,000,000 million dollar lawsuit against the estate of Howard R. Ageile -- the man who invented aging. Obviously Terry Sedgwick has been ravaged by Mr. Ageile's invention. If you look at the photos posted above, I think you will agree ... easy money. VERY easy money.

Terry, please let me know how I can get in touch with you. It's imperative that we file the suit as soon as possible before more irreversible damage is done.

Sincerely,

R. Dorthway

---

NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER

FINAL RESULT!

Yes, it might only be just turned five in the afternoon here in Blighty but, quite frankly, there's no point in dragging this horrible, diseased contest on any longer. As much as it pains me to admit this, Terence bin Sedgwick, tickler-of-Lolita-wombats, purveyor of dungaree-wearing lesbians, smart-arse cobber and cork-hat wearer, feral-eyed denizen of the bush, custard-stroking, belly-wielding, vote-rigging legend in his own lunchtime has quite obviously won by an horrendous margin and an equally horrendous beard!

One question only has yet to be answered...

WHY IN GOD'S NAME? WHY!?

It now remains for me to call upon Terry Judas Isambard Kingdom Sedgwick to gracelessly collect his winnings...as agreed in the opening paragraph of this vile contest many months ago. So, Sedgwick, the three fabulous, priceless, meritless adornments are yours for the taking. You have thirty seconds from now to send me your home address, otherwise I'll be forced to donate all three of them to the Baseball Players Association.

In the meantime, I would like to thank all of the other contestants, both living and dead, for wasting so much of their valuable time posting insults about each other and, somewhat bizarrely, so little of their valuable time in actually voting. I would also like to thank the delicious Jade, without whose heavenly image visiting this board for the last few weeks would have been even more nightmarish than it actually was. And, of course, I'd like to thank our viewer, without whose loyal support and private funding this contest would never have happened and so many tragic events would never have been recorded for prosperity.

Terry...send me your snail-address please.

Everyone else, you have 24 hours to pack your bags, hide your dirty undies, bury the bodies of Joe King and Roger Delgardo where the police won't find them, settle your lawsuits, indulge in plastic surgery and then...GET OUT OF THE HOUSE YOU LOSERS!

Not-So-Big-Brother.

Not-So-Big-Brother Reminder!

Contestants, viewers, wombats-trained-in-the-art-of-mass-voting etc, there are now only a handfull of hours left before the Final Voting Board closes once and for all. Having just taken a look at what's going on, quite obviously some of you out there are working under a misapprehension. This is the voting board to find the over-all WINNER! Judging by the phenomenal amount of votes that Sedgwick's been receiving obviously most of you still think the idea is to vote off the next victim!

Well...it looks as though it's too late now. But please continue to cast your votes anyhow. There's still a million to one chance that a decent human-being might win and not some kangeroo-bumming, satan-bearded, gay Australian wombat-sniffer with a micro-knob with a penchant for dealing in third-rate, dodgy lesbians.

The doors close at 6 p.m. G.M.T. I'm off to church to pray for a miracle/God's mighty venegance to be smited upon Oz.

The "Not So Big Brother" caterers have arrived. Any one for a strawberry and chocolate slurpee?

---

And Coffee claims he did not spike the punch. Ha!!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small.

But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet. Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help! Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, two unemployment checks, or a month of medical insurance with COBRA, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Infielder

[ ] Outfielder

[ ] Starting Pitcher

[ ] Ace Pitcher

[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute)

[ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number: ____________________

Account Number: _____________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _____________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-F@#K-THE-FANS now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

Disclaimer: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

Lord and Lady Sedgwick grace the 1967 "Not So Big Brother Awards" with their presence.© Reuters Photography Archives.

That was a truly inspirational diatribe about American television programming, Not-So-Big-Brother. And this final vote for an ultimate winner seems to be following an on-going tradition of American politics...that being the runaway victory of the most vile, seedy candidate in the race. I'm not trying to sound like a sore loser. I know I'll still be a winner when I leave this house because Gillian and Heather are waiting to comfort me. I just wish that all these people who are accepting Sedger's bribes and giving him their votes would think about all the innocent creatures who have been so horrifically violated by him.

POINTLESS DIATRIBE OF THE WEEK!

What staggers me about American programmes is the complete lack of genuine people on them. For example, I have recently suffered the mind-numbing banality of "24" -- A groundbreaking piece of television The New Yorker...A bowlbreaking piece of shit...The Old Lancastrian -- and not once, in the whole of 24 hours, did any of the characters meet anyone old, working class, ugly, drunk or fat. Which is odd, because whenever you see Americans on the news that's how the majority of them look. And why is it that in American programmes people never lose their virginity until their at least twenty-one, unless they're in their thirties in which case they lost it when they were fifteen? And Ally McBeal? What's going on there? The only decent thing to have happened in the programme in the last series is that Dame Edna Everage has become a permanent fixture. The rest of it is crap. Terminally ill men that fly off rooftops, associates who are all neck and lower jaw and no personality, Jon Bon Jovi as a plumber, and every episode indirectly alludes to September the eleventh! That'll teach those American bastards for giving money to the IRA won't it!? Talk about the makers of the programme bending to sentimental peer group shite...they'll be flying the star spangled banner and singing God Bless Am...er...sorry wrong Blogger board.

Terry Sedgwick is way out in front on the Voting Board.

There is a wombat conspiracy taking place.

Please vote for a winner now folks! The tension is fantastic! Not in the Not-So-Big-Brother House...in Pavorotti's underpant elastic.

---

Not So Big Brother Bonus Task.

WHO IS RESPOSIBLE FOR THESE FAMOUS QOUTES?

"I have a crazy, weird sense of humor, and I can draw."

"Also, I have continued my onslaught of mailings."

'I never use any dirty, foul or offensive language. I always keep my cartoons clean and for a family audience."
Hint 1. That eliminates all non American cartoonists.

"I truly believe I inherited my artistic talent from my mom and my goofy, off-the-wall humor from my father."
Hint 2. He might have been abandoned by his parents at birth or could be an orphan. Could be the lovechild of Grandma Moses and Alan Greenspan.

"I'm 32 and this is my first time."
Hint 3. NOT Coffee. Despite his blustering braggadocio, his first time is yet to happen.

---

Coffee has a few of his sophisticated gourmet friends over for lunch in da house.

A grim reality disguised as satire.

I feel its time to come clean (oops madam!)... I am not really Cathy Smith, but in fact a 6"1 skin head with a lot of tattooes, known as the infamous Curlyratt. Sorry for any inconveniece but in the words of the Languiliners...God Bless You All ...and see you on another blogger soon....

Not-So-Big-Brother Response to a previous posting...

To sit and look and listen to ocean is an amazing reminder of God's greatness, our smallness and His amazing love for us!

Especially if you sit next to a sewerage outflow pipe.

Obviously Terry Sedgwich has an awful lot of time on his hands and just loves to post trivial garbage!

I, on the other hand, am sitting here at the phones waiting for those voters to call in. Hopefully some intellegent people have found this site and are willing to chat with someone with true integrity and wit.WELL, YOU BETTER LOOK ELSEWHERE!!!

WHAT A FEEBLE LOT I GOT SHACKED UP WITH!

Not-So Big Brother contestants leave the house on their prizes: Nice motorbikes

A bit of Blogging I same across today.

A short note about our trip to the beach. . . The day before P** went home we took a little trip to the beach. Seaside is a little beach town about 1 hour and 45 minutes from our house. The kids loved the beach. G*** and C*** both loved the water (even though it was ice cold) until G*** got knocked over by a wave and then he didn't want any part of it. However he loved digging in the sand. We could not keep C*** out of the water. She would just run into it and would cry when we took her out. I am afraid she is going to be our dare devil. By the end of the day G*** was warming up to the water again.

The power of God is so evident in all of his creation, but especially in the ocean! It is simply an "awe" thing. To sit and look and listen to ocean is an amazing reminder of God's greatness, our smallness and His amazing love for us! "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it, the whole world and all it's people belong to him. For he laid the earth's foundation on the seas and built it on the ocean's depths." Psalms 24:1

I post this in the hope and not unreasonable expectation that it will garner any good old-fashioned family value/bible belt votes out there looking for a place to land. In my heart I am an all round wonderfully compassionate, born-again in a funky sort of way, God-fearing, American-lurving, elder-respecting Icon Sans Frontieres. Unfortunately I have at times been led astray by Kevin Instant, with his promise of fame, fortune and 24/7 access to his cast off starlets. (Each and every one of his promises proving to be another hollow Instant disappointment.)

Just in time (before voting closes) I have discovered my caring sharing inner self. If YOU care ... share your vote with me. If you don't I'll friggin' © S. L. feed your eyeballs to the cockroaches.
(I can only keep this niceguy shit up for so long.)

O.K. Coffee THIS is your next task. Are you and your twins up to the challenge?

Community Service Announcement.

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following WARNING labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

I lied this was not a Community Service Announcement, merely a gratuitous, mindless posting ... because I can.

silence is deafening...

NEW AND IMPROVED NSBBH EAR DEFENDERS!!!!

Drowns out silence and Larry Miller with music of your choice, violent screams or, for an additional £9.95 wombat cooes!

Listen and laugh as Paul gets beaten up by Cathy to some light Wagner or Bach. Fart in joy as Terry dances in the corner to wombat chirping HE CANNOT HEAR! Giggle with hysteria as Peter Cooper trundles about with his 50 inch weapon while violent screams and apocalyptical curses follow his every move!

Available for a bargain £26.95 plus P&P

Not-So-Big-Brother Posting on behalf of

Cathy Smith...who has sent me this pleasant little photograph entitled simply:

My Summer...

I'm told on good authority that Paul Morgan is in fact a dwarf...thought I'd better mention that before the authorities mistakenly attempt to move in...

QUIET?!?!

IT'S DOWN RIGHT COMATOSE!Did Terry Sedgwick clean out the bathroom, or have wombat droppings finally caused the house to completely pass out? (it couldn't possibly been that trash can drinking party that Paul threw last night....) OUR FINAL WEEK TOGETHER LADIES! PETER COOPER SAYS; "PUT OUT OR GET OUT!"

(and don't sweat it gals, Kevin Coffee says he'll take care of Peter!)

Wow! It is suspiciously quiet in here. I am sure they are all gathered together in the common room plotting against me. As I have done all summer, except during the dread chocolate incident, I am hiding in my room, wearing my thought protecting helmet. I am subsisting exclusively on rainwater that I collect in a glass on the window sill, and fungus which I grow under the bed. I am safe as long as at least one of my body parts remains in contact with the bed at all times. I have decided to begin planning for life after Not-So-Big Brother, so I am looking at the want ads. I saw this one today. I am wondering where I get the intelligence license (and how difficult the test is). "Licenced intelligent person to fit with friendly family-owned rental staff. Will train w/winning strategies "

Not-So-Big-Brother Announcement...so shut up and listen!

Okay folks...the FINAL VOTING BOARD is up and running. CLICK HERE! to cast your vote and remember...this week you're voting for who you want to win, not for the next person to be evicted. So choose carefully and vote hard!

To guarantee a free, fair and honest election "Not So Big Brother" has engaged the services of legendary election consultants Robert Mugabe, Slobodan Milosevic and Papa Doc Duvalier.

Consequent upon advice from these icons of the democratic process, the following candidates are offering these outrageous bribes and threats to bolster their electoral chances.

KEVIN COFFEE.
"An all expenses paid night at my bachelor pad for all who vote for me. Two nights for those who don't."

CATHY SMITH.
"A lifetime of free calls to my 1-900 "You Know You Want Me Big Boy Tele-Relief Call Centre". Free access to my Web Cam for every 100th voter."

CHRISTINE ASHMAN.
"A shipping container full of my used crutchless sox to every voter."

PETER COOPER
"Vote for me to receive a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a rifle range test dummy. Blindfolds and last meal requests from an extensive haute cuisine menu provided."

LARRY MILLER 111
"I'm a man of principle and refuse to get drawn into this tawdry auction for votes. However fail to vote for me and the next fully ballistic disgruntled postal worker will be given your address."

TERRY SEDGWICK
"Now I shall just rest on my laurels and wait for wave upon wave of adoring fans to provide me with a well deserved landslide victory. But to make a monty of it, free bottles of "Sedgwick Wombat Holy Water" (known to cure piles, the pox and inverted nipples) to every voter and their issue for the next 10 generations."

PAUL MORGAN.
"A plaster casting of m' organ for every voter. Bonsai afficionadoes get your votes in early and often!"

Not-So-Big-Brother Eviction Time!

Yes...it's that time of the week again folks...and this week the voting has been very close indeed! Almost too close to call...but Peter Cooper faired marginally better than Larry Miller the Third which means that it's time to string Larry up by his goolies and catapult him out of the house using Sedgwick's jockstrap as the slingshot!

HOWEVER!!!

Not-So-Big-Brother suspects that cheating has been taking place on the voting board. And I can't help noticing how little people are actually blogging these days. Very disappointing contestants! In fact the obvious lack of interest has become as transparent as an American Movie plot...or Oprah Winfrey's tightly stretched knickers...therefore I have decided to bring this nonsense to an end once and for all.

Both Larry Miller and Peter Cooper shall remain on the board for one more week whilst a winner is chosen from the sad reprobates left in the house. I shall be creating a new Voting Board shortly and this time it'll be for the over-all winner. No more voting off...no more malicious evil doings...just a simple straight forward vote to see who wins and then I can get back to something more interesting, such as clipping the honeysuckle or punishing snails.

New voting board to be established soon.

In the meantime, would all the remaining contestants please send me their snail-mail addresses so that I can send them their prizes. Not-So-Big-Brother is a merciful God and even if you don't win, so long as you've taken part (and sent me your snail-addy) you will receive lots of Spam in the future a parting gift.

Time to blog the final week contestants! Let's make it a good 'un!

WHO...I MEAN, WHAT...I DID THIS SUMMER

By Kevin Coffee

Not-So-Big-Brother, I have seen people write accounts of events like this before. But I never thought anything like this would happen to me. Even now, if I tell my friends or family or priest that I had sex with Britney Spears, they say "hog feathers!" Actually, that's not what the priest said. He said, "I bet she doesn't have a sweet bottom like a 4th grade altar boy!" But, anyway, here's how the amazing event happened...

I work at a CBS affiliate TV station, and every once in a while a celebrity drops by for some reason or other. In late June, I arrived at work to find everyone crowded around the lobby, and then I saw what was causing all the interest, Britney Spears was there. Apparently she had a friend in town who was related to someone at the station or something like that, and they got her to drop by for a visit. Everyone in the lobby was asking her questions about what it was like to be such a superstar. I was thinking, yeah...what's it like to be a superstar who's never displayed a single moment of real talent! I know how she got where she's at, and as I was thinking of this in a rather negative light, she suddenly turned and caught my gaze. She stopped in mid-sentence. An awkward pause that she then tried to ignore, and she went back to blabbering whatever it was she was in the middle of blabbering. Suddenly, one of the directors I work with blurted out, "Hey, Kevin! Why don't you go get your digital camera so we can have some shots of Britney! Everyone else get to work!" As the crowd started to go about their daily duties, I made my way for my office when I was halted by a hand on my shoulder.

It was Britney. "I'll come with you!" she said.

"How delightful!" I blurted back, immediately thinking that sounded really lame.

We walked to my office, all the while she asked questions about the various departments we passed and how they were involved in the daily process of running a TV station. Whatever I took the time to explain I felt was passing right through her pretty, empty head. But she nodded a lot and tried to pretend to understand. Finally in my office, I grabbed my digital camera right away.

"We can go around and get some shots with people around the station," I suggested.

Britney reached over and shut my office door."Why don't we just take some pictures in here? You have a cool office."

For some reason she then did one of her little off-balance dance moves that always makes me cringe. I was beginning to get really curious about where this was heading.

"So, what else do you do, when you're not working?" she asked.

"Well, uh...I do a cartoon on the web. I'm a web cartoonist."

I wasn't expecting any reaction at all, so I was shocked when her eyes lit up the way everyone's eyes around the station had been lighting up when they saw her for the first time. I couldn't believe the reaction.

"Whoa, Dude!" she half-shouted, "Web cartoonists are so cool! I've always wanted to meet one. I can't believe this! All I ever see is actors or singers or producers or agents. I've been going crazy trying to meet a web cartoonist!"

I had to wonder if she was joking. But before I could ask, before I could say anything she seemed to shoot across the room without her feet touching the floor and our lips locked in a hot, long kiss. She grabbed the back of my hair and ran her other hand all over my body. I knew she wouldn't be able to avoid noticing my obviously stiffening interest as her hand rubbed my crotch.

"Ooooooh! You must really like me, Big Boy!" she said. I couldn't think of a response before she dropped to her knees and expertly and swiftly unhooked my belt and dropped my pants. She smiled at the still swelling bulge in my undies and instantly pulled them down, and was startled beyond comprehension to suddenly be greeted by the sight of two fully erect penises springing up right before her face.

"Oh my god!" she shouted. "Oh my god! You've got--"

Britney didn't finish the thought, instead lurching forward and licking each of my twins. But then she stopped.

"You know who my favorite web cartoonist is?" she asked.

Great timing, I thought. Right now I couldn't possibly care less who your favorite web cartoonist is. All that matters in the world is that you shut up and get back to doing what you just started to do! "Uh...could we maybe discuss that a little later," I asked, "and get back to--"

"I really like that web cartoonist from...oh, where is he from. South America or East America or Australiany or whatever it's called. Terry. Terry Sedgwick!"

What the hell, I thought. My mind was now spinning. At the mention of Sedgwick's name my twins went instantly limp. I wanted to let it go, to try to get her attention back to the oralities. But I just couldn't.

"You mean to kneel there and tell me," I said, "that of the five or six people outside of Australia who are aware of Sedgwick's existence...that YOU'RE one of them!"

"Oh yeah!" she cooed, "I love his cartoons! He does that one called The Ferret's Eye!"

I wanted to laugh. Or shout. I was numb from the velocity that my brain was spinning around in my head.

"I've seen Terry's picture on the web before," she said, "and I think he's the coolest. I'd really like to meet him."

In complete disbelief, I still had no idea what to say, and then she suddenly blurted out, "I want you to have sex with me!"

Well, I thought, that was a disturbing, unbelievably odd detour. But at least we're back on the right track. But then she darted across the room and grabbed her purse. I was dumbfounded as she reached into it and pulled out a scraggly, greying, fake beard.

"I want you to poke me with both of your throbbing lust-tubes!" she said. "And I'm going to pretend you're Terry Sedgwick! Anyone who wants to have sex with me from now on has to put on this fake beard and pretend to be Terry Sedgwick. It's the only way I can get off. He's the only man I want!"

The rest of the experience is a blur. I barely remember putting on the beard, or the sight of her ripping her clothes off and getting on the carpet on all fours. I barely remember getting behind her and thrusting the twins into her. And unfortunately, I clearly remember her yelling "Terry! Oh my god Terry!" over and over and over. And I remember her shouting "I'm a wombat! Treat me like a dirty little wombat!"

Various station workers had seen us enter my office, and had hung around outside my door in curiosity. To this day, I can't walk through the station without someone yelling "Treat me like a dirty little wombat!"

Not-So-Big-Brother Responds: I was prepared to believe this, even the fact that Britney has been two-timing me, right up until the point where Sedgwick entered the fray. Now, in retrospect, I think we all know what you've really been up to this summer, Kevin, and believe me you'll grow hairs on your palm if you don't cut down.

Not-So-Big-Brother posting on behalf of LARRY MILLER III...who is so desperate to stay on the board that he sent me the following e-mail with a view to me posting it for him. I'm so incredibly kind and large hearted! (Must be the steroids.)

Brian:

Just got the latest photos in from the Not So Big Brother House and thought I'd share them with you....

The first is a shot of Cathy and Christine cavorting in a mud bath at the "Wombat Spa" room in the house...

and you wonder why there's not much activity on the BOARD!!!

Next photo is of that recent delivery of milk...

I'm not sure why, but Cathy is holding Paul's head down under so he get get a REALLY GOOD drink!

In any case, after this last week the fans have all begun packing up and are boarding the next train out of town....

Look out colleges!

Lastly, I'm not sure what she's trying to say, but Kevin Coffee's girlfriend walked past wearing this ...

Well. That's all I have for now. If I'm still here after the voting I'll be sending more pictures!

Not-So-Big-Brother addendum: Well...you heard what Larry just said. You know where the voting board is...

The date: Friday 23rd August, 2002

The time: Brunch

The reason: Hardcore helluvatoughness with the Bren Gun

It was a day like any other. Terry was picking and licking, Coffee was comparing sizes with Larry, and apparently Coffee was winning... badly...

I had come back from doing my house patrol. I did it every day the whole summer long. I have no idea why, I think it was either an attempt at catharsis, or just a way of keeping to my stable weight of 15 stones while also making myself super strong for all the ladies once I made my escape from the house. I could, you know, even with the Bren Gun. I mean, sling it to my back, climb up the wall, lay the beatdown on all the nasty guard robots.... booyah...

So anyways, I rested my gear, took my boots off, and sat down to some entertainment. We had locked Cathy and Christine in the room and I had carved myself a little hole to watch. Big enough for 3, so it was me, Paul and Sedgers watching the excitement. However, it was cut short....

A scream. A violent, putrid, scream of screams. Screamerific I might add.

I sprinted from the little carved room, leaving the two men watching the girls. I was going to miss out, gawd dangit... Anyway. I ran, ran like the frickin wind. And I fear to this day what I saw....

KEEP ME IN THE HOUSE TO FIND OUT EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE ONLY MEN LEFT IN THE ROOM, A BREN GUN AND SOME OF THAT SCARY CHOCOLATE!!!

Not-So-Big-Brother...just checking to see if this thing is working properly...

Not-So-Big-Brother Response to Kevin...

Firstly...if I let one person out of the house for the World's Biggest Dick contest I'll have to let you all go as I've never come across such a bunch of big dicks as I have as far as the inmates of this blog are concerned. However...I'm sure a bit of time off for good behaviour wouldn't go amiss.

Secondly...judging by the lacksadaisical blogging of the cellmates recently I suspect that the contest may have drawn to a close by Sept 16th because I'll be booting everyone of your lazy good-for-nothing bar stewards off the board long before then!

Thirdly, say hello to Guy for me and please remind him that he still owes me a fiver for the carton of Lambert and Butler I sent him. As far as attending Guy's golfing meet goes, I have actually asked him in the past to hold his tournament in Royal Lytham and St Annes...which is just up the coast from me and would be a much better venue than his usual course. Unfortunately he just made some excuse about the Amazing Kreskin being scared of flying and therefore couldn't change venue. Pathetic excuse if you ask me. He just doesn't want to coff up for those fags, that's all.

Fourthly...why take two penises into the shower when you can just take one...a regular python of a member with anti-lock brakes and revolving bellend. For more details please visit The Home of The Mighty Hughes One-Eyed Trouser Snake...and don't forget to bring a bottle and a bird.

Not-So-Big-Brother

Paul, that contest you mentioned on August 29th sounds like a lot of fun! Count me in. I always love the moment when I drop my shorts in front of a large crowd of people and get to see the look of shock on all the faces of the folks who've never seen a man with two penises. Will you let us out of the house for this "Big Dick" contest, Oh Great Big Brother? By the way, Paul, that cartoon with the nun checking out the crucifix is one of the funniest illustrations I've ever seen. Any idea who did it? Having been raised in a strict Catholic environment, that had me rolling on the floor.

King of the Wombats here Kezza. I snuck in under M'Organ's guard here and posted the picture of one of the Sisters of Perpetual Scrutiny. I snipped it off the Net. Not sure who, why, where ... could have been S**** or Hughes on a good day. Like they ever happen! :0)

Speaking of being stuck in the house, Oh Great Big Brother, I just remembered that I'm going to be out of town the week of September 16th. According to the number of contestants being voted out once a week, the contest will still be going then, I think...unless my calculations are coming out of my rear end. Anyway, I'm not assuming in any way that I won't have my sorry ass voted out by then, but if not somehow, I won't be around for pretty much a whole week. It's for a really good reason, though. I'm going to Guy Gilchrist's Mudpie Golf Outing Extravaganza, making the long drive from Indiana to Connecticut. It's going to be very cool and there's gonna be some really big-name cartoonists there. I'm really looking forward to it. Come to think of it, all the cartoonists in this house should be going to this event. No excuses about being all the way from England or Australia or, where do you live, Morgan? Bent Fork, Tennessee?

The Latest Photograph from the Not-So-Big-Brother House

As the strain sets in, Peter Cooper develops his own elitist Masonic movement, initiating a bizarre and complicated bonding ritual involving fifteen sacks of the Brussels Sprouts he detests so much and a naked flame. During the ensuing chaos only Paul Morgan survives unscathed as various testicle experts are rushed to the scene of the carnage.

"Better to light one fart than curse the darkness" - S.L. serial self immolator.

Not-So-Big-Brother says:

Thank you Sedgers for that informative and thought provoking digest. Actually a couple of lines would have done but you receive one gold star for producing a fully illustrated novel and for managing to track down the only known photographs of all my ex-girlfriends.

Also, did I detect the luscious Carol the Lesbian ex-Librarian posing as Madame Butterfly there? I knew that times were getting difficult for her now that she's out of work but...having to live in Australia? It doesn't bear thinking about..

O.K. My short essay entitled 'What I did this summer!' Actually down here this summer has yet to arrive. SO what did I do last summer?



"I know what I did last summer." INTRO PAGE..

PART ONE

PART THE END.


"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing -- when they have exhausted every possible alternative." ... Winston Churchill

Not-So-Big-Brother posting on behalf of Larry Miller the Third, who hasn't got a web-site but doesn't want to be blogged off the board...

This was recently received off Mr Miller in an e-mail:

Larry would like to make it known that if he gets any more complaints about not being entertaining enough he's going to send some more. Whilst this, no doubt, will make Barry Corbett extremely happy, the rest of us will be racing for the nearest bucket. 'Nuff said.

Oh how I hate these times...

I will not con you with foolish lies and embittered election campaigns. I will but provide one, keepable promise - should you keep me in here, I *will* take this bra off my head and return it...

In other news, here are the photos I have which I mentioned last week:

Game of the Day: playing with the kitties: Gresty, Sputnik and Becks

Sexual Position of the Day: Sex? What is this.... sex....?

Person to be voted for if you can actually vote and it all works ok (unlike here): Larry Miller the Third...

Hey Kevin, what are you doing August 29th? Do you want to sneak out of the house and win some easy money? Let me know.

---

NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER CALCULATES THE NEXT TWO PEOPLE FOR THE VOTING BOARD!

And...by my calculations the results are as follows:

Kevin Coffee...received no nominations, despite a disgraceful smear campaign by Terence bin Sedgwick.

Paul Morgan...received two nominations, which isn't nearly enough.

Christine Ashman...despite last week's attack by the other inmates only received three nominations this week.

Peter Cooper...having been quite possibly the most consistent and polite of the inmates unfortunately received a staggering four nominations.

Larry Miller the third...well, don't ask me why...consult your lawyer, Larry, ask baby Jesus, write a letter to Madame Ermentrude but don't ask me because I don't know what's going on in the minds of these people...received five big fat nominations.

Cathy Smith...regardless of her regular abuse of this board received just one nomination...and...

Terry Sedgwick received nothing...zilch...zero...the big fat 'OH'...though Christ alone knows why.

And so...this week's nominations for eviction are:

Larry Miller the Third and Peter Cooper.

The voting board by can be found for the moment, for anyone eager to get started by clicking here!

The battle between Peter and Larry for survival begins...bazookas Vs the butcher's chopper! Exciting stuff. In the meantime contestants don't forget your weekly assignment.

Thank you and sod off. Not-So-Big-Brother!

If elected, I promise a wombat in every refridgerator...

A gun against PETER COOPER'S military head (Not a bad plan, that one)...

A HOT TUB full of CHRISTINE and CATHY (although either one would probably fill it)...

IF I CAN'T WIN AGAINST THE LIKES OF TERRY SEDGWICK, THEN I DESERVE TO BE OUSTED!

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

While the rest of us were hard at work on Task 3.

Couple Arrested for Sex in Cathedral

NEW YORK (Reuters)
A couple was arraigned on Friday after they were arrested for allegedly having sex in a vestibule of St. Patrick's Cathedral while parishioners worshiped nearby.

Angelina Jolie and her boyfriend, Kevin Coffee were charged with obscenity in the third degree and public lewdness.

Another man, Paul Morgan who allegedly engaged in a live radio commentary on the sex act, also was arraigned on a charge of acting in concert with the couple.

The three were arrested on Thursday.

The couple had entered a radio contest of the WNEW afternoon talk program, "Opie and Anthony," a police spokesman said. As part of the live show, six couples were given a list of 54 different high-risk locations at which to have sex in the city, including St. Patrick's on Fifth Avenue, and nearby Rockefeller Center.

An usher observed the couple and also saw Morgan on his cell phone allegedly relaying the stunt back to the radio station, where he worked as a field producer, the police spokesman said.

Before departing in the company of a blonde haired, apple-cheeked choirboy, a spokesman for the Archdiocese of New York, called the incident, "Disgusting."

SOURCE of the story. However the perceptive will notice that the names have been changed. Arch briber Kevin Coffee, fearing a premature eviction for this unauthorised absence, is believed to parted with a large brown paper bag full of moolah to keep his name out of the papers and to cover his dirty little tracks.

AND ... I believe Mr. Coffee's passport will show that while he was AWOL he also made a trip to Milan with Ms. Jolie

"I have a dream that my four little wombats will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their fur but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day even the house of Not So Big Brother, a house sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and vote out Larry Miller the Triple and Christine Keeler-Ashram. We hold these polls to be self-evident, that all house members are not created equal."

And might I pass onto other house members "My Favorite Sites of the Week".

http://religious.as/langille/

http://crap.as/scragends/

---

FYI. This posting ends Archive 18.

Here are my eviction nominations for this week. I've spent lot of time thinking about this, almost a whole 3 seconds. For no apparent reason, I nominate:

Larry Miller III

Peter Cooper

I guess it's just not in my nature to want to get rid of the females and be stuck behind with the males...especially THESE males! Although at this point everyone in this house rubs me as being very odd and unhygenic, most notably Sedgwick, disoriented and drunk in the middle of the night, mistaking me for a wombat and waking me up in a moment of horror as he crawls into bed with me.

Too many bills? Not enough money? Don't want to work? Good news -- you don't have to .... Follow this gal's example and be DEBT FREE! (Brian - I'm surprised you didn't think of this first)

---

Hmm ... Who do I choose for eviction? Let's take a look at the remaining tenants. Oh my.

Okay, those of you with breasts, yes, that's it, those of you with breasts take one step to the left ... come on, hurry up ... Cathy, Christine, Terry. You three are safe for another week.

Who do we have left? Larry Miller III? Yep, I vote for Larry the III -- not because he voted me out just moments ago, more so because I don't understand why someone named after a stooge would want the world to know that he comes from a long line of Larry's (illogical, I realize ... I'm just trying to cover up the fact that I'm spiteful -- voting Larry out of the house for no other reason than because he voted me out).

Who else? Who's next? Ah yes ... "The Coop" .... Mr. Peter Cooper. A nice guy, for sure, but with Instant Coffee and myself currently holed up in this shed, frankly, two large throbbing peters is plenty.

---

A partial eclipse of the moon, eh? I guess I nominate Cathy and Peter.

My nominations for the week are........ Larry and Christine!!! And I am not trying to copy cathy.... no, no I am not plagi-... NO I WILL NOT BE SUED!! SHUT THE HELL UP STEPHEN AMBROSE!!! Mmhm. Anyways, thar be my nominations. Buh-bye for now, sleep be required...

Never one to be late or shy...

and just to keep things moving like a loose bowel...

my nominations for the weak (AHEM!) I mean week....

Go to the ever popular Paul Morgan

and Peter Cooper!

"Make it so, Number One!"

Hi Not So Big Brother, My nominations for this week are....Christine, because her buttocks caused a partial eclipse of the moon earlier this week, and Larry because I think he actually enjoys the advances of mighty morgan (who is still eating the chocolates by the way)

NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!

Contestants, viewers, lonely individuals with no sex lives who are up all night wandering the internet in search of porn, and Paul Morgan...all the entries for Task Number Two have been collated and grouped together in the evidence room for future examination. (Well...all of them that is apart from Christine's second depiction of Life in the Not-So-Big-Brother house which I've only just found out about...)

So...CLICK HERE to see them all in one spot.

As everybody managed to get their tasks completed on time this week, we now need nominations for the Voting Board. Again, will each contestant please select the two other contestants they most want to see banished from the building and post them here by 6 p.m. Tuesday evening G.M.T. (The time is imperative because I need to sort out the voting board.) Failure to do so...blah blah.

TASK NUMBER THREE has been decided upon and everyone has until next Tuesday evening to produce:

A short essay entitled 'What I did this summer!'

Yeah...all right...I'll try to come with something better for the fourth one.

Contestants...please get writing, post early and earn your keep. In the meantime there is lemonade in the fridge, vol-au-vents in the breadbin and blood on the toilet wall. Will whoever is responsible please clean it up. Thank you!

Not-So-Big-Brother

A sudden flashback of WHAT THEY DID WITH THE BODY!!!!! We can't find Dave because....shudder, sob, gasp, because Cathy, Larry and Morgan ATE him!

I even have the photo evidence to prove it.

I am going to put on the aluminum antennae created by the dearly departed Dave to keep them from reading my thoughts, and I am going to hide in a safe place. Like under Sedgwick's laundry pile.

I realize my doctoring skills aren't up to the rest of yours on a bad day, but you have to start somewhere, and usually the begining is a good place.

---

FYI. This posting begins Archive 18.

Life in the Not-So-Big-Brother House continues as normal:

After waking up to find her bed covered in wombat hair, Christine began to check her food more closely.

Not-So-Big-Brother Calls all the contestants to the Diary Room!

Hello ".....Christine..."! Everyone seems to have gone very quiet in the house recently. Not-So-Big-Brother would like to offer you psychological counselling and/or food if you would like some. Or would you all prefer a big stick?

Food please! I knew there was something wrong with those choclates. I'd nibble a few and the next thing I knew I whole day would have gone by, and there would be wombat hairs all over the bed. As a matter of fact, I think I may need counseling. I am suddenly getting flashbacks of ......

Not-So-Big-Brother Response: Flashbacks of...? Don't panic Christine...help is at hand. Kevin Coffee is currently in the kitchen brewing everyone a steaming broth of boot soles, boxer shorts and Sedgwick's 1984 season cricket box (took three wickets and bowled a maiden over so it's slightly soiled but saves on salt). As for the counselling...I'll be sending in Dr Morgan (P.H.6 O.M.D. D.I.C.) with his electrical shock machine to administer to your needs presently.

Not-So-Big-Brother Calls all the contestants to the Diary Room!

Hello Peter! Everyone seems to have gone very quiet in the house recently. Not-So-Big-Brother would like to offer you psychological counselling and/or food if you would like some. Or would you all prefer a big stick?

Much as though I would like to have been about, me and my beret went to war for a short while. Glad to see everything is still running smoothly mind!

If you have some rations and/or sweeties that would be superb, having not eaten in a weekend makes a man hungreh! The only trouble is... do you have a toilet pit? I hope not, having to dig a hole to take a cack every time is VERY infuriating...

Cooper: CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!

Terry: Yes?

Cooper: I have to dig a 2 foot deep hole just to go to the damned kazi!

Terry: Sounds like a problem...

Cooper: You are telling me! Now help me dig, before soiling of pants ensues

So that is my only issue. Terry's corner isn't as bad as they say, I *have* been in worse. Stoke-on-Trent for example...

Not-So-Big-Brother Responds: Thank you Peter...war is hell but the Not-So-Big-Brother House is even shittier. Your weekly allowance of a quarter of jelly bellies, three ounces of Liquorice All Sorts and five Pontefract Cakes are behind the cistern. Speaking of which, we're currently having Stoke-on-Trent towed out to sea to save you (and everyone else) any further upset (we're hoping it'll run aground off the coast of New South Wales). As for the lavatory, there's a choice. So far everyone's been using Cathy Smith as a convenience but you could always just piss on Sedgers whilst he's asleep...his beard also comes in handy as a loo-roll dispenser.

NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!

Right...that's long enough! The votes have been tallied and it's victimisation time! By an overwhelming majority, I can now reveal that the unlucky contestant who failed to make the grade this week and has now been consigned to the Not-So-Big-Brother dustbin is Dave MacLachlan!

Dave...where ever you are, you have five minutes to pack up your dirty underpants, stash your porno mags discreetly away, say your fond farewells to your inmates and then...

Get the fuck out of the house!

If you're still inside it, that is...nobody seems to know where you've actually gone.

And now, to the rousing chorus of 'OUT...OUT...OUT...You lazy BARRRRRRRSTARRRD!" the Not-So-Big-Brother House claims it's latest victim. So long David and God speed your recovery.

In the meantime, Not-So-Big-Brother would like to remind all the remaining contestants that it's nomination time again! Please get your nominations (two...as always) posted on this board by Tuesday night (6 p.m. G.M.T.) or else you'll be up for eviction too. Christine...welcome back to the land of the eternally damned...you were saved by overwhelming support there from your loyal fan-club. Everyone else...keep up the good work. And, apologies to all those viewers currently experiencing Blogspot's extremely slow downloading system. Such is life I'm afraid...

THE THIRD CONTESTANT HAS GONE...READ THE INTERVIEW BY CLICKING HERE!

---

Not-So-Big-Brother Reminder!

Ladies and gentlemen...boys and girls...and Terry Sedgwick.

There are only a couple of hours left until the Voting Board closes and the third Evictee is slung shamefully onto the street. Things are not looking good for Dave MacLachlan who, regardless of his impending fate, has failed to respond to Diary Room calls, battle to avoid eviction or helped with the washing up.

Has Dave MacLachlan followed Joe King's example and died in the house? Or was he pushed?

The last sighting of him was by Cathy Smith who witnessed him entering Paul Morgan by the back entrance last week. Since then he hasn't returned... A murder-mystery? Or just somebody who took umbrage with the contest and left without explaining why?

Find out tonight and, in the meantime, please continue to vote. The eviction takes place at 6 p.m. G.M.T., the police have been informed and the bunting is going up! It's almost EVICTION TIME!

"Swearing is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers."

After dinner in the NSBB house we like to lie about naked in front of a crackling warm fire, toast a few marshmallows, laugh at Morgan's bonsai todger, share a cup or two of Horlicks and ask riddles.

This was the riddle that had us all rolling around cacking ourselves last night.

Q. What keeps Not So Big Brother so regular?
A.

"A great way to save money: don't tip in restaurants. Then pretend you're French. That way you're not only saving money, you're performing a good deed -- namely, reinforcing bad stereotypes about the French."

Saw that somewhere on the Net and thought, in the future I'll be booking into restaurants under the name Pierre Sedgwick. Problem is what self respecting restaurant would let a Frog into their establishment. Groucho Marx view on clubs. Quandary, quandary.

I thought I should pass on this incisive article by one of my many antipodean proteges.

Endangered species

The world is facing an on-going environmental disaster. Did you know, for example, that an entire species dies out every 14 minutes. Gone. And once an animal becomes extinct it is gone for good.

Surely I don’t need to explain that the impact of an extinction event can be devastating to humans. With one death there is immediately less variety in our diets.

So don’t delay. If you are aware of a species on the verge of being unavailable to diners get your eating irons out as quick as you can and get on the tooth before someone beats you to it.

There is absolutely no doubt that species on the edge of oblivion taste better than common farm rubbish. Just knowing you are the last man alive to savour the delights of a lightly fricasseed pig-footed bandicoot makes it all the more special.

Various environazis, dogged in their pursuit of a smack across the head, have muddied the water on this issue. Anyone who says it is wrong to kill a Lesser Bilby has never tried one. They’re even free range.

The secret of cooking your endangered wildlife is to get the wife to get your pan extremely hot before dropping in, say, your Javanese Lapwing or western quoll. This keeps the flesh succulent and sweet.

I’ve pointed out that television isn’t shy about scheduling cooking programs. I’ve decided to get in on the act. Check your local guides for my upcoming series; the ‘Slamming Sam Last Chance Barbeque’.

You know it makes sense.

I’m Sam Kekovich.

Who is Sam?

Slamming Sam Kekovich was the hard man of Australian Rules Football back when men were men and so were some of the women tennis players. Nothing moved on the North Melbourne half-back flank without his written permission. He attributes his financial success, his prodigious international reputation and the winning of the 1997 Nobel Peace Prize to his mentor and personal manager Terry Sedgwick.
Source.

Click on thumbnails

I don't want to seem like I'm complaining or that I am intolerant of the life style some people choose, but Coffee's antics are becoming an embarrassment to us all. This is the third dress he has stolen from me.


And Morgan wants his cuffs back (he, Christine and Cathy have something going that I don't quite understand).

Tonight it is my turn tonight to cook for my fellow incarcerees. I think I have come up with something to titillate the most jaded of palates.

(Made from 100% Jade.)

---

FYI. This posting begins Archive 17.

Not-So-Big-Brother Calls all the contestants to the Diary Room! Hello Kevin! Everyone seems to have gone very quiet in the house recently. Not-So-Big-Brother would like to offer you psychological counselling and/or food if you would like some. Or would you all prefer a big stick?

Well, Big Brother, Sir...I'm not sure what that comment about the big stick means. But if you review some of the previously posted pictures, you'll notice that I am already incredibly well equipped. If the stick refers to an instrument to beat other people to death with, well then I may very well be interested. But I'm trying to keep a happy face, here, Big Brother. I feel that showing the true disgust and rage that I now harbor for everyone else in this house would reflect badly on me. The voters might guess that I may possibly feel that I am ready to strike out and begin killing each and every other contestant when they aren't expecting it. And that's not very good sportsmanship, is it? No, I must remain calm and cool. There's nothing here that is driving me mad. There's people all over the place that smell just like Sedgwick. Morgan dreams that he's a goat and wakes up begging for Cathy to milk him. We all just love hearing about Cooper's interesting gun collection 60 minutes an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No, there's nothing here that's driving me mad. My fingers are children and they sing to me. I have three noses. Nobody named Paul ever reached in the shower and touched me while I had shampoo in my eyes. Death will be peace.

Not-S-Big-Brother Response: Kevin, just remember that, whilst killing the other contestants might not appear very sporting, it would be doing the environment a favour, would be helping the ozone layer and would, most likely, aid the viewing figures no end. Mass slaughter within the house gets the big thumbs up from Not-So-Big-Brother as indeed many of the other housemates have received the big thumbs up off Morgan recently.

Not-So-Big-Brother Calls all the contestants to the Diary Room!

Hello Paul! Everyone seems to have gone very quiet in the house recently. Not-So-Big-Brother would like to offer you psychological counselling and/or food if you would like some. Or would you all prefer a big stick?

Meekly fulfilling the requirements .... Thanks, Okay and Yes.

Not-So-Big-Brother Response: Tough on all three accounts Paul...however, at least you've saved your lily-white Welsh arse being booted off the board next week.

Sorry mates -- unable to post anything today due to technical difficulties.

Not-So-Big-Brother Comment!

That's better! Now where are the rest of you? And has anybody seen Dave MacLachlan on their travels? At this rate I'll have no-one to boot out this Sunday. Does anyone know if he's already snook off via the roof? There'll be a whapping in the house if I find out somebody's done 'im in like they did with Joe!

In the meantime, click on the picture above to read the second half of the absolutely smashing crossover between Scrag Ends and the Inquiring Minds by John Steventon.

Thank you. Now it's time for Robot Wars. Not-So-Big-Brother

CATHY SMITH IS CALLED TO THE NOT-SO-BIG-BROTHER DIARY ROOM!

Hello Cathy. Not-So-Big-Brother has noticed a lot of sexual tension flying around the house since you arrived. Is there any truth in the rumours circulating about you, Sedgwick and Morgan, three bananas and a pair of incontinence pants?

Hi Not So Big Brother,

Firstly I would lke to say that the rumours about me are not true. The shocking truth can now be revealed. It would appear that Kevin and Terry have been plying Christine with a selection of personalised chocolates in an attempt to gain favour with this sexual leviathon. Kevins chocolates have been described as fondant surprise. What the surprise is I dread to think. Terry however has added an illegal sexual enhancer called Wombat Hydroxabuterate, to his chocolates in his attempt to take Christine on to the next level. Unknown to the other house mates, Paul has been stealing Terrys chocolates and as I speak is preparing to re enact his own version of the Houston 500. All his attention seems to be centered on a very naieve and frightened Larry. Peter has had some medical training but may not be good enough to perform the delicate surgery required to repair Larrys torn muscles. As darkness falls on the house I can only pray that there is no sand in the Vaseline......

Click on thumbnail.

Not-So-Big-Brother response: Thank you Cathy. I know the name of a good lawyer. Please contact me at the usual address if you'd care to share this information with me.

KEVIN - Very funny depiction of life here in the shed .... and a spear would do nicely, thank you very much.

Sorry, I'll be away 3 days on a military display, see you all on Sunday evening!

Not-So-Big-Brother Calls all the contestants to the Diary Room!

Hello Larry Miller mon Trois! Everyone seems to have gone very quiet in the house recently. Not-So-Big-Brother would like to offer you psychological counselling and/or food if you would like some. Or would you all prefer a big stick?

Brian! I would like some food! Those kibbles in the fridge are tainted with wombat spew and there's nothing else to eat except for the mildew growing in that porcelain bowl that you call a shower.

Wait a minute... THAT'S THE STOOL!

Not-So-Big-Brother Responds: Thank you Larry. There have been walnuts and raisons provided in the Not-So-Big-Brother kitchen for you. You'll find them in the bowl next to the wombat cage. Please be careful to remove any stray bits of straw and crust before eating. In the meantime, thanks also for your redition of Life-In-The-Not-So-Big-Brother-House...and your illustration of the party held for the dismissal of Peter Delgado (Joe King still being alive and well at this point)...thus:

This week's task as appointed by Big Brother was to creatively show day-to-day life in the Not-So-Big-Brother house. Here are my results:

Click on thumbnail.

Not-So-Big-Brother Comment:

Re: Dangle, dangle. With whom I have had the misfortune etc. Sedgers...you're quite correct. Joseph Peteyoninonioniniyene(somebody stop me) has been the most consistant (and persistant) visitor to these hallowed halls. My only regret is that Joe didn't accept my invitation to join the contest in the first place as he would no doubt have won! In comparison to the bone idle, no good, sun-tanning, work-shy, etc inmates that have ended up here (with the exception of Mr Cooper who is nothing if not regular...which is more than can be said the wombats) Joe has proved himself a pearl before swine. Even it did mean having to stretch to revealing Masonic Secrets!

Larry...good man! It's about time we had some real artwork on this board. In the meantime, I'll send in the fumigators. Either one of Morgan's balls has popped out again or Dave MacLachan's absence is about to be explained.

Incidentally...please don't forget everybody that you have all been called to the Diary Room to answer for your slovenly sins! Normal Not-So-Big-Brother rules apply and failure to respond will result in the usual punishment as soon as Dave MacLachlan's corpse has been removed from the house. Another inmate savaged by a rabid wombat. We'll have the R.S.P.C.A. down on us at this rate.

Now this is a sad reflection on the slacker arsed house members it has been my misfortune to be banged up with. (dangle, dangle.) "Not So Big Brother" has had to outsource postings. This one was provided by Mr Jo Jo Petrolhead of Upper Hungary.

Joseph Petrenyi: 10:00PM 2002-08-15 Thursday
RE "Post me something entertaining now!"
So, here is an important warning:

"Protecting ignorant Christians from homosexual predators!"
I am forgiving Mr. Jo Jo for the tautology contained in words 2 and 3. Hungarians are a barely literate race. An indication of "Not So Big Brother's" desperation that he should have to call upon such people.

THIS WHOLE DEAL WOULD BE BETTER IF SEDGWICH LIVED IN ANOTHER HEMISPHERE!

I'm trying to get my artwork done and (ACK!) the (CHOKE!) stench is (GAG!) overpowering!

ANYTHING would improve the ODOR!

EVEN A DEAD BODY OR TWO!

Any volunteers?

Not-So-Big-Brother Comments!

First of all, congratulations to Peter Cooper on your 'A' level results. Not that they mean anything nowadays of course (you only get a place in Cambridge or Oxford if your parents can afford one) but as a reward here's a link to something very special:

The Academic Achievment List!

Secondly, where the hell is everyone today!? Just because you're not up on the voting board doesn't mean you can slack off! I can always put you up there, you know? Fingers out! Bellies in! Post me something entertaining now!

Thirdly...well, there isn't a thirdly, but when I think of something I'll let you know. Time to send a few Diary Room calls and get you bone idle bastards working I reckon!

Just thought you may want to know my AS Level results (12th Grade finals):

Ancient History - B

General Studies - D

History - C

Philosophy - D

Sociology - A

In light of the fact that Headmistress Hughes promised "brownie points" for hand drawn interpretations of life in The House -- a worthless promise from someone who cannot vote -- posted below is a doctored photo depiction of my life in the Not So Big Brother House

Click on thumbnail picture.

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Not-So-Big-Brother Response: Being impartial to the outcome of this contest, although I'm still banking on Peter Cooper to win as stated earlier due to the high-cost of postage abroad, I might not be voting but, as media expert and summary judge, I still have power of influence, should I care to use it, over the casual voter. vote paul morgan off the board now... However, following such an accurate portrayal of how I picture life in the house myself, I shall refrain from casting any aspersions in your direction Mr Organ.